THE weekend!

So, in case you don't know, this guy is coming to visit me tomorrow. This isn't your everyday visit either.

I felt that this is a pretty big deal and I should write about it, since he is flying from Washington to Utah, just to see me.

I feel special. I feel like really special. I feel so special I'm singing, right now. I'm feeling special and I am singing, at work. Ok, so I'm not really but I'm starting to get excited!

So excited! I've been waiting to go to Rexburg for months and I've been waiting to see this guy, Matthew Herman Breyman, for months, and now its all happening in one weekend.

My mind might explode. To hear what happens, read my blog on Monday! There will be photos too!

Nations under objectification

The Pope has released a new book about how violence should never be carried out in God's name, "Violence Never in God's Name."

How do you feel about this? Not the book, not the Pope, but the topic presented. Honestly, I've never put a lot of thought into this topic. I've heard it briefly discussed.

Practically speaking, we see examples of violence dictated by God through out the scriptures such as the killing of Laban by Nephi, the near sacrificing of Abraham's son, and the destruction of those that blasphemed against the Prophets and God.

But what about people who hijack planes and crash them into world trade centers, killing thousands of innocent people? They claim their actions are in the name of God; are they?

Do we, as members of the church, condone war? Do we believe its ok for us to kill others --even innocent civilians-- because we are protecting our country? Then again, when has President Thomas S. Monson ever openly condoned war?

What are we fighting for? It seems we fight for and over money, greed, power and corrupt leaders.

And how do we justify fighting for these things, how do we become so numb that we can take a gun, point it at a man and shoot him? I know how; we turn our "enemies" into objects by labeling them as "those Germans, those Chinese, those Koreans, those Libyans . . . those whites, those men, those Mormons, those Americans?"

We take the actions of a few corrupt leaders; a few corrupt dictators and we use that as ammo to destroy nations. Do we feel justified in killing and fighting because God has deemed it necessary or because we don't feel guilty killing people who are "not like us"?

Are we just watching out for our neighbor or are we butting in where we don't belong? Are we truly "just protecting our country" or are we the reason for these attacks. And are we not initiating attacks of our own?

I'm asking a lot of questions, using a lot of "quote marks" because I feel that we (I'm not just talking about Americans, I'm talking about our world and Nation) believe objectifying those who are "different" from us makes these brutal acts acceptable, its not because we feel zeal for God, feel an inspiration from God, or is it? You tell me.

We are taught to love one another. We aren't taught to just love Americans. And while we pick up guns and shoot someone in the name of liberty and freedom do we think about their liberty and freedom?

If only we could follow Christ and love all around us, but we've all become so twisted in the web of lies, deceit and greed that surround us that we can't grasp that all the people in this world are sons and daughters of God, just a we are

You ask me what my opinion is and I can't say that I really have one. I don't pretend to understand; maybe I don't want to understand. I simply read my scriptures, pray, try to follow the promptings of the Spirit, which lead me to men who truly have the Spirit, men who have a genuine love of all those around them.

Torn between two men

I must like causing myself unnecessary pain. I seem to have a unfailing tendency to involve myself with men that can't take me anywhere, nor do they plan to take me anywhere--to my benefit, they are hot

Recently I spent practically every night for four months talking on the phone to one man. A man who had attempted to date me before but he always failed because he couldn't let go of his ex-girlfriend.

Of course, I've been dating the whole time while I talked to him but nothing serious. But alas this leads to my dilemma. My friend, Taylor, whom I spent a majority of my time with for the past few months, has a Landlord.

This Landlord had been one of our friends through out our adventures together. Somewhere along the way we began liking each other. Actually I'm pretty sure he liked me from the start.

He was my first real valentine. It was a fun date. I felt special. He always has a way of making me feel special. He wants to do things for me. I can't help but soak it up a little. No one has ever wanted to do anything for me.

So, it would seem that this wouldn't be a problem, right? Why not just fall in love with him, date him, and marry him? It's not that easy. It never seems to be that easy with me. The Landlord, Brandon, is 30-years-old, divorced, lives in Utah and has an eight-year-old son. Not bad? I can handle those things but there's still Matt.

And so, of course, you are now asking, why not date Matt? Well, he's got a lot of addictions and a consistent inconsistency with women, which makes it hard for me to put my hand in his hand.

Complicated? Yes. Am I dating both? Yes. Should I be? No. Do I know what is right? Not really? Will I do what is right? Probably . . . not.

Encompassing arms of my Savior.

I cried last night. I don't cry often. Its an annual thing but I've been crying lately. This crying spree began when I received the speeding ticket. Then when I knelt on my knees and truly prayed for the first time in a very, very long time. This time will hopefully be the last.

Its easy to dump someone when you're no longer interested in them. So easy. Its not easy to walk away from someone you truly care about. I've done it twice now. The first was last year. This one, in some ways, was harder. I've never been friends with the men I've 'loved'. I don't know if its ever really been in love but sometimes its sure felt like it.

This last one was my friend, an example, someone I respected and I cared deeply about.

I cried this time. I've never really cried about a guy. It was embarrassing but I guess necessary. I almost cried in the office when I decided to let go. The first 24 hours have passed. I've been thinking, I've been realizing.

For so long I've been hurt by men. I've let them walk all over me, lead me on and then let me go. It always hurts. No matter how many time you tell yourself it doesn't, it does.

Whats different about this time? He wasn't walking all over me, he just wasn't ready for me. I wasn't helping him. I was just someone to turn to when he should've been turning to God. I know that if its not me then it will just be someone else he turns to instead of God.

I know this because I do this. But this time I don't turn to another man to erase the hurt, to cover it, to temporarily comfort me. I've turned so often to the wrong arms. The arms that only make it worse. Arms that in the long run will only make it hurt more.

I'm not going to lie. The temptations have been there, the offers were given. I nearly accepted quite a few. I didn't. I nearly made a few offers of my own. I didn't.

I decided to learn from this experience, to learn from letting go. I've found the right arms to turn to. As I open my scriptures, as I say my prayers, as I serve those around me, I can feel those arms about me. Its right. I've learned to turn to my Savior's arms to warm my frosted heart.

Those arms won't disappear, those arms won't leave. They don't have stipulations, they don't lack commitment, they don't lack for love. They are constant, they are consistent.

Before I could ever turn to the arms of a man, the arms of my husband, I had to first learn to turn to the arms of my Savior. That is what I am doing. I am putting my trust, my love, my heart in the hands of God and I am placing myself in the all encompassing arms of my Savior.

QUOTES:

"The Messiah extends His arm of mercy to us, always eager to receive us—if we choose to come to Him."

"But behold, the Lord hath ^aredeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his ^bglory, and I am encircled about eternally in the ^carmsof his ^dlove."

"Behold, he sendeth an invitation unto ^aall men, for the ^barmsof mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive you."

"Behold, thou art Oliver, and I have spoken unto thee because of thy desires; therefore ^atreasure up these words in thy heart. Be faithful and ^bdiligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my ^clove."

"Listen to the voice of Jesus Christ, your Redeemer, the Great ^aI Am, whose arm of ^bmercy hath ^catoned for your sins;"

“I will encircle thee in the arms of my love.”

‎"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." -Thoreau

t has always amazed me that even though there are virtually an infinite number of people with whom one can have a relationship that when a person falls in love, then all others cease to exist. It defies all logic. -Richard Spence (My grandfather)

Everyone has an attitude, so get used to mine.