This Fairy Tale is not so Stereotypical

I got a lot of angry letters because of this column I wrote for BYU-Idaho's school newspaper.

"Be not afraid of greatness; some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them,” said Shakespeare.

I wouldn’t say that greatness is being thrust upon me, but whatever is being thrown at me is something I didn’t initially want, and is something I am still trying to run from.

I’m a romantic, a fairy tale chaser. I used to believe that I’d graduate high school, go to BYU-Idaho, get married and start a family. I’d spend the rest of my life in a blind daze of happily ever after where the animals talk to me and help me with chores.

I thought I’d spend my day baking cookies, bragging about my kids, gossiping, planning elaborate Relief Society crafts and sweeping dirt under the oven. Somewhere along the way I made a huge mistake.

I should have chosen to be a family consumer science major, but I chose wrong. I decided to be a communication major. To make things worse, I started working for the newspaper here. After that things just went downhill. I made friends. I made connections from there. I became an extrovert and I enjoyed working.

I interned at a concrete company, freelanced for a local Maryland paper, I even worked at a gynecology office, and now I’ve decided to go to grad school.

I should have my masters before I’m 22, since I’ll graduate with my bachelors at 20. My friends who go to other colleges (non-LDS colleges) tell me that I have a lot going for me, that I’m super accomplished and I should go make a name for myself.

I don’t know how it all happened. How dare I give up the notion of getting married before graduating? How dare I become a menace to society? But I decided to anyway.

I’m not insulting those that are already married and I’m not discouraging those who want to get married, but I’m so happy that my fate took me in a direction that didn’t leave me married, pregnant and working to get my husband through college.

I fought tooth and nail for that privilege of marriage, but I just never wanted any of the men who wanted me and vice versa.

It seems that as a woman at “BYU-I-do” you can’t be accomplished until there’s a ring on your finger, but I disagree. I’ve fought that stereotype with the violence of a cornered raccoon, and I’ve come out of “BYU-I-do” single.

There were a lot of close calls, but I decided that I want to be single and graduate from “BYU-I-do” -which is the real accomplishment.

I’ve had this need to “be somebody” slowly, but surely, thrust upon me, and so I’ll go out into the world and do whatever it is I need to do.

Someday I’ll let some loser (because all men are losers) stick a ring through my nose, and I’ll become the stereotypical homemaking momma and be extremely happy; but for now, I choose the freedom of being single.

The Crap Load of Stuff I Plan to Do When I am Married

Goals for marriage and family

(Most of these things I am trying to incorporate in my life now and there is always room for suggestions)

For our Children and Us

· Teach them the right way from the beginning

· I want to say prayers with them the day the are born, before they even understand what praying is, so that it becomes natural to them and so their Heavenly Father is ALWAYS a known part of their life

· I want a neat an orderly home but also a fun home

· Always set a good example for them

· FHE, family prayers, prayers at all meals, Priesthood blessings are all a constant

· Christ as the center of our home

· Education tools available in all areas of our home

· Healthy and good eating habits

· Exercise, activities outside the home: playground, play dates, swimming, soccer, football, biking, hiking, karate, fun family activities

· No relying on yelling and aggression in stressful or frustrating situations

· Set goals as a family, things to work up to and work on

As husband and wife

· Scripture reading and journaling

· I want my husband and I to discuss things, communicate effectively at all times

· Set goals with my husband

· Take care of myself and he will too: annual Drs appointment, weight management, good grooming, good eating habits, dental appointments and clean and neat dress and appearance

· For me I will work when/if necessary but my main focus on the home and family and being a nurturer

· My husband should be the provider, priesthood holder, and protector in our family

· Be an active listener to my husband and children

· Go on dates with my husband weekly, keep the passion between us alive, keep him as my best friend and confidant

· Temple monthly, if not more depending on where we live and our situation

· Be selfless

· Learn our faults and mistakes and repent for them and work on them

· Consistent and complete church attendance

· Dedication to our callings

· Honesty in all our dealings

· Faithful tithing payers

· Always be bettering ourselves, gaining knowledge and trying new things

· Be able to deal with adversity and the trials that come in life in a Christ like and be willing to adapt our plans and goals to them.

Not suicidal

Closing my eyes and putting my pillow over my head used to scare the monsters away. My monsters aren’t the same anymore. They’ve transformed into something far worse, far more frightening. My monsters have become life itself.

What do I do? I’m suffocating as we speak. I never planned to be this frightened, I never planned this far ahead and I never planned to be where I am now. My life seems so shallow and empty right now. It’s filled with work, accomplishments, dreams and me—just me.

My brother was married this weekend. I never thought he’d settle down before me. How many more will fall in love and settle down before I do? How many more will get what I want most?
But of course I have to change what I want. I can’t have what I want. So I sit here and stare at the screen. I think about the forms I have to fill out, the resume that needs some loving, the homework I can’t seem to care about and the future that I can’t foresee.

I’d like to know where I will be in 10 years. I want to know just so I can prepare myself for what I fear will be a lonely 10 years.

I’m a pessimist with the attitude of an optimist. I can put on a happy face for anyone--most of the time--but inside I die.

Alone, this word frightens me more than hell. A pillow won’t stop the monsters from coming at me, from pulling me down and being objectively cruel force that they are. No amount of tears, sleep or food will chase these feelings away. There the feelings of a very mixed up child who wants nothing more than to sit in the corner, wants nothing more than to hide under her bed. But what lies waiting me under my bed.

I will press with my hand, not on the pillow I’d like to cover my face but the door that opens into the next part of my life.

No other

Lose control. Ever get caught up in the moment? I become so caught into that moment; it becomes a day, a week, a month and then my life. I find myself living from moment to moment.

I take no time to think, to reflect. My decisions, while of a mild nature, are unplanned, rash and often foolish. I throw out both of my hands and I say, “pick one.” My destiny held in one of my fists when really it’s held in an embrace.

It’s an embrace I refuse to acknowledge is there oftentimes. It’s easier to pretend, to brush it off, to forget. It’s easy to tell myself that he’s not real, he did nothing and for that I am nothing. I run from my problems, my trials, my enemies and I even run from him.

I lay the blame on him and accept the praise as my own. I acknowledge him not and for that I am often lonely, often alone. I can’t stand to be by myself, to let my thoughts provoke me for I know that if I were to look too closely I would then see a life I shouldn’t be living.

And as I sit here and let my thoughts run rampant I realize what I’ve known all along: I love him. I love him as I shall never love another. I recognize him as my light, my life, my Savior. I can’t use words, a touch to any sense or even emotion to convey this love. I love him and because I love him I shall do as he directs. If I truly love my God then I will obey him. I will obey him.

The plan begins to unfold

I've figured out my life. It's wonderful. I'm going to grad school; I'm hoping the University of Maryland but I am applying for many places. I plan to spend this upcoming semester looking for internships, applying for grad school and losing weight.

It's great to remove all distractions from my life and focus on what is important in life. No more dating. I graduate in December. No one is going to keep me pinned down in Rexburg after that. I am getting out. I need out.

I've given up men, I'm giving up junk food and I'm focusing on what is important. After I graduate in December with my Bachelors in Communication, then I plan to do an internship. While I am doing that I will work part time and get involved in the community around me.

If I can land a D.C. internship then I will be able to live at home for free while I save money. I want to spend my days in D.C. working my internship and my evenings at a Nursing Home or a Homeless Shelter. I want to serve those around me; I know I need to serve more.

I plan to get into grad school and then I plan to get out. I have set some steep goals but I'm following through with them. No one can stop me.

The only thing that could hold me back is my head. Hopefully the Doctors will figure out what is wrong with me and the dizziness will go away. I'm ready to make an impact. I'm ready to do whatever it is I am meant to do.

Once I graduate then I will work my way up to the top. I'm hoping by that time I will have a complete grasp of all the concepts that escape me at the moment. I want to help people, I want to teach them, share what the world has to offer. I want to show the worlds lies. I want to teach others to think practically and use their common sense.

Being single is a lot easier than being married. I will hopefully get a little place and pay off my school debt as quickly as possible. I want to own a little piece of property and have a beautiful rose garden. I want a porch swing, a clothes line, a little pool and a trampoline and I plan to have a pet(s). By this time I will have nieces and nephews and I will be able to dote on them too. I will always be involved with helping the community. Anything to be of service to my country and the people that surround me.

While I am doing this I also plan to re-learn Latin, learn to ride a horse, get a motorcylce license, use a camera properly, travel the world extensively, play the piano masterfully and perform as a stand-up comedian and a singer. This is my life innuce [in a nutshell]. I've already started to make it work out and I'm sure there will be even more things that I do and many trials and hardships but I have a plan.

Why can't we just be friends and nothing more

I can't hang out or go on a date with a single man wihtout them always thinking I am interested in them--when I say interested I mean that they think I'm interested in jumping their bones (Mormon style of course).

I asked him on a date. So what? He asked me on a date. So what? I don't want to seriously date you , marry you, birth your children and clean your house. I was just looking for some fun. If I wanted to date you then I would tell you.

Men think women are bad. Just so you know [men] we don't start looking at rings after you take us on the first date. I don't even think about a second date, most of the time. But apparently men always think we are just soooo into them.

I like to joke and flirt but that doesn't mean that I want commitment. I joke and flirt with a lot of men. Does that mean I plan to date and marry all of them? I don't think so. I'm not planning to practice polygamy the polyandry way.

I've been out with so many guys. I'm a professional at showing that I'm not interested and I'm also a professional at telling a man when I want to be more than just friends.

I guess I should clarify. Maybe men get confused because I ask men out on dates all the time. I have no shame and no regret about. Most of the time I ask because they're A) you’re really hot (you'll know this is you if I take a photo of us together--there has to be proof.
B) Dating is fun and I want to establish a real friendship
C) I'm bored and you're an excuse to go eat food
D) I'm bored and I want an excuse to watch a movie
E) I'm bored and you have promise of being entertaining

I'm also starting a tally; I want to see how many dates I can go on before my college career ends --yes, I am that shallow.

Don't let my flirtatious words or actions mislead you. I just want to be friends. If you're worried that I am looking for more then ask me. Share your concerns and I will give your male ego a beating and tell you that I'm just not that into you.

Wanna go on a date?

Creepers and gentlemen

Creepers. We accuse the men we don’t like of being creepers. Why — because they ask for our number, they ask us on dates, they add us on Facebook, they add our friends on Facebook or they stalk us through the BYU-Idaho website? Or is it because they show up at your classes, apartment or hang out spots, even though you never told them where you live or what classes you’re taking?

There’s a difference between a creeper and someone you’re just not interested in. Know the signs and spread the word when it’s necessary if they are a creeper but don’t when they’re not and you just feel guilty because you can’t stand their face.

I’ve had men be interested in me — I’m shocked too but it has happened to me — and I couldn’t make myself like them. But I don’t lead them on. Men are really good at catching the fact that I’m “just not that into you [interested man’s name goes here].” But there are a lot of other girls who don’t give men those subtle clues. Saying yes to a third date, playfully hitting them, laughing at their dumb jokes and flirting are some of the ways men are deceived by our actions.

Don’t lead men on. If you’re not interested then make it apparent. They’re not a creeper because your actions lead them to believe that you are “that into them” and they keep asking you out.

They ask for our number, they stalk us on Facebook and they find us on the BYU-I website because they are interested. Something about you sparked their interest. The smartest way to ask a girl out is in person or at least calling her but some guys are just shy. They’re not creepers; they’re just interested and it’s just too bad you’re not.

Admit that if a savvy, hot, rich man did these things then you would love it and they wouldn’t be a creeper; they’d be a lover and possible father for your child. Heck, I don’t like to get asked out by a guy that I’m not interested in but I don’t call them a creeper. I would never call a bodacious babe a creeper when they stalked me on the BYU-I website, added me on Facebook, got my number and asked me on a date.

Now my second point: sometimes they are a creeper. Sometimes their interest becomes too intense especially when you have given all the hints that you aren’t interested. Sit them down—do it where you can yell and help will come—and verbally tell them that their “attentions” aren’t flattering but instead scary.