SEX: Do the bolded words grab your attention?

I want to have SEX. You want to have SEX. We all want to have SEX, SEX SEX, SEX, SEX. But we can't. Single people shouldn't and so we--the single people--won't. So what do we do? We sublimate. I'm sublimating right now. Candy. Ice cream. McDonalds.

I'm eating because I want to have SEX. I hope this ruins your image of me. Every time you see me eating you're now going to think I want to have SEX. This is not entirely true. Sometimes I eat because my tummy demands it or because there's nothing better to do or because its FREE. But I often eat because I'm sublimating, no lies. We all have to have our weaknesses we give into, right? I'm not giving into the SEX weakness, instead I am eating bread with chocolate frosting smeared all over it--my food supply is currently low.

I'm not a gluttonous pig, I'm just filling in that gap of my life that I refuse to fill right now. The gap where I don't get to have SEX. Yep. I won't lie. I want it. But really, what hormonal young person doesn't want SEX?

I don't even know if I want companionship, or a boyfriend or marriage anytime soon. All I know is that I want SEX. Thats one thing I know I want now. But will I get it? No. I've had tons of opportunities. I mean, how many single guys will turn down a chick offering him her bed for some good SEX?

But I'm not ever going to do that. I'm going to wait. I'm going to wait a long, long time. There will be no SEX for me till there is a jewel the size of my knuckle on my ring finger and a certificate tucked away somewhere--not a marriage certificate, just one that says the ring is a real diamond.

But really. I screw up. I don't have SEX but I screw up. I mess up. But its not worth it? While I really want to have SEX, and while my occasional food binges in place of SEX have caused my hips to widen more than I'd like, it is still so worth waiting for.

So, I say keep sublimating. Maybe not in the hoho or that twinkie you are currently shoving down that hole you call a mouth but maybe in some hard core exercising or a good book. Or maybe you could sit and write a blog post about SEX, like I am.

SEX will be great, no doubt, but it can wait. In the meanwhile, I am going to go eat some junk food.

Spillin my guts to an officer

I realized it had been a while since I spilled my guts, buckled down and just had a good hard crying confession.

I realized this on the side of the road in Salt Lake City, while a cop was asking for my license and registration. A tear dropped. It was a well deserved tear because I'd never received a ticket before. I initially had no idea why he was pulling me over.

Then it all became too embarrassing. While he was talking to me, the tears started flowing, then came choked sobbing and I found myself wanting to take that officer by the shoulders, shake him and tell him all the hardships in my life, all the things that escalated to my forgetting the speed limit. And the story would've been a long one, it would've been my life story.

What did I learn from this? The speeding ticket didn't affect me. It was justified by good reasons that I feel no need to explain here. What I really learned from this situation actually has nothing to do with cops or speeding tickets or driving.

Crying. I don't cry. I never cry. I go for years at a time without crying. But there's a distinct problem with not crying. My tear ducts are full. They're full to bursting. I go for such a long time without letting that emotional part of me have release and then I find myself on the side of the road sobbing.

I've put off crying the past few years. I know its not a weakness but its something I recognize as an occasional incident. Its part pride and not. I don't like to cry a lot because then people will never recognize when I am truly upset. After I fell on my blades and hit my head on the concrete my roommates knew I needed to go the emergency room. Why? Because there were silent tears running down my cheeks.

I didn't cry when my heart was broken. He wasn't worth something so special. I cried when a dear friend from the ward died. I cried at 16 when I almost killed my family in an accident. I stopped crying consistently after my first day of high school. I cried then because I was frustrated with myself. I didn't have friends, I didn't understand my homework, I was scared. Everyone knew the routine because they were in their sophomore year, I was in my sophomore year and thats when I started high school. Before that I had home schooled for three years and I was scared to do anything by myself.

I hate my weaknesses, I hate things about myself. So what do I do? I fix them. I hated that crying meant I was acknowledging my weaknesses, giving in. I don't give in. So I stopped. In the past 6 years I can count on one hand all the times I've cried. It hasn't been easy. There have been times when I wanted to just lay in bed at night and cry. I didn't.

Maybe I should've though. Then I wouldn't burst into tears when I get pulled over.

The marriage bet I will win

Its been two years since we made that bet. I don't remember what the stakes are, I don't remember what the winner gets but I'm pretty close to winning. I am going to win.

The bet was with Madison Hall, Sarah Grether, Karisa Beatty, Sage Draney, Katy Jiminez, Jessica Kriser, Michelle Bowers and myself. Of course some last names have changed since then. Over half are married or very nearly close to reaching that fate--I won't clarify if that fate is good or bad because it depends on each person and who they married.

I remember the list on our fridge, held precariously by a magnet and surrounded by marriage announcements. Sage was close to the bottom of everyone's list with my own name. Sage beat us all, or lost. I'm pretty sure the stakes were who could last the longest.

Of course I will win but I guess its not very fair because I don't want to get married. I reject the opportunities thrown my way. I love being single and free too much. I can hang out with whoever I want, kiss all the guys I want, go where I want, eat what I want, live where I want, do whatever I want. Is this selfish? Maybe, but this is my opportunity to keep growing outside the bonds of marriage.

Guess all my married friends just out-matured me but who wants to be mature? I like having fun and being a free spirit. As I venture out into the 'real world' I realize how many opportunities there are for a young, single person. If I were married there would be so many restrictions on what I could do.

I'll eventually succumb to the marriage ordeal. I want kids and I'll eventually get too old to still find hot single males my age but for now I'll continue to be wild, reckless, adventurous.

So you see, the bet is a little unfair because of course I'll win because I reject all opportunities that come my way. Looks like I'm the winner of this bet. What can I say? I never lose.

The position

My current position on dating: I don't want to date you, I want to benefit from you.

Wrote the song, took the photos

Just for laughs

What men are good for

I know a lot of guys that complain about always being the friend and never the boyfriend. I've hit that point. I'm always the friend and never the girlfriend. But do I complain? Nope.

I'd rather not date right now. I spent the last 20 years of my life shying away from guys. I like having guys friends. Its so strange because now the men outnumber the women in my life.

Once upon a time I could barely hold a conversation with a male and now . . . they're my primary conversation source.

I could've made moves on a lot of them, dated a lot of them, even married a few of them but why ruin a beautiful friendship? While its been strange not having girls to confide in since I've been in Utah its been fun exploring more deeply (or as deep as you can get cause men are really shallow) into how men work. I used to never care because men, for the most part, aren't worth caring about but my list of "what men are good for" is a lot longer than it used to

1) Lift things

2) Fix things

3) Eye candy

(These first three were the only things on my original list)

4) They'll hook you up with their friends

5) Always honest when you ask how you look

6) They're great punching bags

7) They always eat more than you (No guilt)

8) You feel smart and motivated around them (men are lazy bums)

9) Have ways of getting free food

10) They're usually try anything at least once

Apparently men are good for something. If you're sitting next to a man pat him on the back; actually, slam your fist into his back because men are still pigs and deserve to be hit and hit hard and frequently.