Let your lips be lonely till its right.

As women we're not completely secure in ourselves. Look at her, look at me. Look at what I'm lacking. I'm so lacking. I'm not good enough. Nobody wants me. I'm not beautiful. I'm not smart. And so I'll take what I can get.

And so we often do. There are so many that know better, that fight better but then there's the rest of us that give in too easily. I would know. I'm one of them. I thought I was ugly, undesirable. Then one night, two years ago, someone held me, told me they liked me, really liked me.

Then we cuddled, then we kissed, then we made out and then . . .well it ended but not before things went further than they should have. I then I spent two years slowly giving in more and more to the wrong men, to selfish men. I began looking for love in the form of lust.

I blame only myself, my mistakes were my own mistakes but there are some choice words of wisdom that I would like to share. Don't screw around.

It's exciting, its thrilling but remember who you are, know your limits. I forgot who I was and I now find myself trying to get the old Kaitlin back. I miss the romantic Kaitlin who wanted to love for the right reasons, not the wrong.

I remember I kept finding ways to justify my actions. First, things didn't go too far. Second, other girls do those things too and they say its ok. Third, its ok to lust a little. Fourth, everyone screws up. Fifth, things are different for our generation, its ok to take things further. Sixth, those things are nice, they're pleasing, they make me feel desirable; when will someone ever appreciate my body again?

Oh, its sooooo temporarily nice. It feels great in the moment. But with everything thats naughtily nice there are consequences. A candy bar tastes great but you keep eating candy bars and you'll start getting fat, you'll get sick, you'll get addicted. And just as I love candy bars, I also love cuddling, kissing, making out. . .and the list begins to expand, to unwind until you find yourself so unwound that you're loose, you're immoral, you're not you anymore, you're a whore.

Its like drugs; its like cocaine, the gateway drug. Maybe you have just one kiss and its ok but soon that turns into making out and then some clothes come off and then the next thing you know you're crying to your bishop because you've gone too far.

Don't justify it. I'm telling you now, its not worth it. I hate that I've become this way. I've become blinded to the nice guys that want me because all I ever seem crave in relationships is the physical. I don't want the right things and its going to be hard learning to want those right things again. I will probably always struggle with this in my future relationships.

Listen to that little voice, that voice of reason. I wish I had been one of those girls that walked away. I always thought about it but I let their guilt trips hold me there. I let their desire for my body hold me there. I let my "natural man" desires hold me there. And now I'm stuck fighting tooth and nail to stay out of there, out of that dark, dirty place. Its not easy.

It's funny that Avril Lavigne was one of the people that spoke to me most. I was driving one night and her song came on the radio. The last lyrics in the song go,

"This guilt trip that you put me on won't mess me up I've done no wrong

Any thoughts of you and me have gone away."

They'll put you on a guilt trip, they'll do anything to get in your pants, to bend some rules. You'll want to comply. They'll promise a relationship, they'll promise nights of pleasure. They'll call you a prude, they'll cajole you, they'll keep twisting your hand until you finally give in.

Get out of that grip they have on you. Walk away, don't let yourself want them anymore because all they want you for is a 'good time'. Remember that men have less emotion, less attachment than women. They'll mess with anyone(ugly, fat, you name it) when they're in the mood. In the end they'll walk away as if nothing has happened but you won't. I've seen it time and time again. They'll leave you wanting them, wanting the wrong things, feeling cheap and feeling dirty. And are they really worth it? Is one night really worth it?

They know whats right and yet they're still breaking the rules. Why? Because they're weak. They're disrespecting you. Why? Because they're jerks.

Take my warnings. I know what I'm talking about. It sucks. Enjoy knowing that you walked away. Enjoy your lonely nights, enjoy your lonely lips, your lonely arms, enjoy your lonely bed. Someday all those things will be filled and filled with the right things.

Happier

My blog posts haven't been the happiest sounding. Whoops. I will work on that.

They don't bring me flowers

"You don't bring me flowers anymore" a classic song by Neil Diamond and Barbra Streisand that talks of a love thats died. But I can't even relate with this song. I’ve never received flowers. I just want flowers. I’ve dated a lot, maybe too much. Some would call me a player but would a player want flowers? And I really, really want flowers.

And maybe when I say flowers I actually mean that I want more than a casual make-out, more than a booty call, more than a fling. I want to be wanted for more than just a good time. All I seem to be for men is a good time.

The hard exterior is a ploy. I admit I’m tough, real tough. I don’t quit . . .I never quit. I pretend to be all business, pretend to be a real player but I want flowers.

I admit that I admiringly look at wedding dresses in the window, I tear up watching a chik flik, I smile at cute couples, I dress up when I’m excited for a date, I love playing with kids. I'm softer than I let on.

And I want flowers. Roses. I want a bed of roses, a trail of roses. I want them delivered to me at work, given to me when I answer the door, given to me at dinner. I want them to lead to something romantic, to be something romantic. I want to be surprised with red roses. I want a guy to do this one special thing for me without my asking.

I want them to do it for no reason except that they really like me or may even be falling in love with me. I just want them given with nothing expected in return. I want to smile more from this genuine gesture than I do when they are propositioning me, complimenting my body or flirting with me.

I want to smile because I feel truly admired, truly wanted. I’m not asking for much. I don’t ever want diamonds or other expensive things. I just want a bouquet of roses. Maybe someday I will receive those flowers. But for now I will continue to admire the flowers that others receive and hope to get my own someday. Someday.

Muppet faced and gun crazy

Here are some signs that you are dating an egotistical jerk, a crazy person or a pig.

Its ok to have different beliefs from the person you're dating but when they tell you that the terrorist attacks of 9/11 were an inside job then you've got something to worry about.

But it gets better. They then tell you how the world is going to end in 5 years and they are planning to buy a ranch in the middle of nowhere and sitting with their gun in a basement.

They hate going to church because everyone is so 'blind' and not as smart as they are, so they choose to skip most of the time.

Oh and they will also tell you how they ARE better than most people. No one is quite as smart or savvy as them. They'll talk about all the money they have and yet rip people off whenever they can, refuse to take you out, share an apartment with a bunch of guys and talk about how money isn't that big a deal to them.

To top it off they'll talk about how irresistible they are. The truth is they look like a Muppet, they have zit pock marks on their arms, thin as a rail, stiff as a board, with hairy shoulders and folds in their face that your hands could get lost in.

Note: If they carry numerous firearms--including under their pillow-- brag about blow torches and how they could easily shoot someone then this might be a warning sign too.

They'll tell you they're such a gentleman but when it gets late and its time for you to go home they'll fake sleep or insist you walk twenty minutes at midnight by yourself instead of them driving you.

One day they'll talk of eloping, the next they'll talk of separating, the next dating, the next not dating. Then profess how you deserve so much better. They'll be so inconsistent that your head will begin to spin and you'll reject the idea of ever trusting them. So you don't and because of this you look for the ending in every relationship, so you'll be prepared the next time to not hurt like you did before.

The only consistency they have is to insult you.

They'll put you on a guilt trip because some of the things you are doing together are inappropriate(even though they initiate it), or tell you they don't deserve you and that they want to take a "break" but really all their doing is screwing their ex-girlfriend until they get bored and try to come back to you.

They'll tell you they can do better, call you unattractive, over weight. They'll make fun of your beliefs, your ideas. They'll ask your opinion and then find every reason they can to scoff at it, scorn it and pretty much call you inferior.

You have good work ethic? A better resume? More experience? They'll feel threatened and tell you that you won't be a good mother.

They'll pull out a list of all the things they wished you did, were better at or lack. They don't like you because you're too affectionate or not affectionate enough.

They say they're a hard worker but all you ever see them do is watch TV, insult those around them, start trouble and eat. All they ever want to do with you is cuddle, make-out and talk about themselves.

They'll stand you up, they'll fall off the planet and stop talking to you after telling you how much you mean to them. They want you to want them so they can add you to their list of girls they've rejected.

Yes, I've experienced all these things. I could continue on and on to list all the hurtful things they've done to me. There are things that men have done to me that have cut so deep that I leave those thing out because I've erased them from my memory.

What did I get from all this? A bunch of ridiculous stories and a lesson.

The lesson: I'm worth it. I'm so worth it. If they do any of these things listed above consistently, insult my looks when theirs are more lacking or disrespect me in any way then I've learned to walk away, I've learned that there are millions of fish in the sea to swim with--better fish to swim with.

Take comfort, you're not as dumb as this guy

I worked at a gynecology office one summer as a receptionist--the Doctors referred to me as their intern but I wasn't; I never want to have my hand in that field.

I remember feeling like an idiot for most of the internship. I never fully knew the medical lingo and some of the people I spoke with were not happy that I couldn't tell them what was wrong or squeeze them in for that day.

Actually most of the people I talked to were downright mean. What makes it worse is when you can' even understand them. Some would have African accents, they were in a lot of pain or just old.

You got something going on down there and you're not going to be happy either. Its even worse when you've got something going on down there and it is your fault.; or you find out your husband of 20 years has given you an unfriendly infection/disease because he's been sleeping around.

So, I usually felt dumb (not to mention my feelings were frequently trampled upon) but there was one phone call that I like to call to mind whenever I feel knocked down to a particularly low part of the intellectual food chain. I'm just going to feed you the dialogue.

Characters:
ME: Receptionist
DORIS: Recetionist. Doris is interesting. Nothing really fazes her but she does get annoyed with stupid people. She was actually dating a guy from the President's secret service and would complain because "he's always talking about his job, what do I care?"
AFRICAN MAN: He had a very strong accent and so when he called I thought he trying to make an appointment for his wife, since their women usually don't do things for themselves.

ME: Hello
AFRICAN MAN: Is this doctor's office?
ME: Yes, this is the gynecology office
AFRICAN MAN: I'd like to make an appointment
ME: For your wife?
AFRICAN MAN: No, for me
ME: Sir, this is a gynecology office, a female doctors office
AFRICAN MAN: I know
ME: (I don' know what to say, so I put him on hold and go over to ask Doris) Doris, there's a man who wants to make an appointment
DORIS: You told him this is a female doctor office, right?
ME: Yes
DORIS: Ask him why he wants an appointment
ME: (I go back to the phone and take him off hold) What would you like to make an appointment for?
AFRICAN MAN: I want to get pregnant
ME: You mean for your wife, cause women get pregnant, not men
AFRICAN MAN: No, me. My wife can't get pregnant and I want to do it for her.
ME: Sir, men can't get pregnant
AFRICAN MAN: No, I saw I on TV. I want to make an appointment.

Well I didn't know what to say. I handed the phone over to Dorris. She simply told him that we only take female patient and hung up the phone. He continued to call and we continued to tell him no.

This story always makes me laugh and feel like there is at least one person dumber than me existing on this planet. So, take comfort if you understand the concept that only women can get pregnant. You are at least smarter than one person.

Natural disasters top our snow fall

As a child you played in the mud. You would dig into the mud with a spoon, a shovel, whatever you could get your hands into. Now people in Brazil are digging through the mud to pull the bodies of neighbors, friends and family from the mud.

So far at least 610 people have been killed in Brazil from the flooding and the mudslides. Keep them in your prayers because the numbers are only going to keep rising.

There are people loosing their friends, their neighbors, their family. Some of them are the only survivors and have nothing left. I heard one story of a families baby being swept away while in his crib. Who knows if that baby survived.

While these bodies have been pulled from the rubble its estimated that the total of 610 dead could double.

Not only has there been flooding and deaths in Brazil but also in Australia. Nearly 30,000 homes and businesses were damaged and at least 26 people were killed.

While we've been receiving mounds of snow there are people in other countries being bombarded with tremendous natural disasters, keep them in your hearts and prayers.

I'll do anything for free food.

If you were in the McDonalds near my house last night at around 8 then you would have seen me get up--at the beginning of what promised to be a sumptuous meal (despite what everyone else says, I still love McDonalds)--and run into the children's play area.

Why did I find myself in McDonalds at 8 p.m. crawling through the greasy, grimy play equipment by myself? A bet. It all had to do with a bet. My intentions were to simply go in and buy myself a celebration dinner as a treat for surviving my internship, so far.

My friend was with me. Last week he had discovered of downfall of mine which consisted of me doing stupid things for free food. Last week he had me eat a ½ pound burger and a bunch of other things on an empty stomach. And why did I do it? Why did I eat till I felt like a horse who had eaten too many oats? Because he promised to pay for my meal.

But this isn't the first time I've taken a ridiculous bet in order to get a free meal. I like dares and bets; I like them a lot when they're doable and when I get something out of it.

Last month I got free lunch because I finished off my meal and the other half of the guy's meal who was with me. He offered to pay if I did it. What was I to do?

I always end up extremely stuffed or embarrassed but I feel no guilt for buying food because I didn't buy the food, they did.

It’s a win-win situation. They get to laugh at me and I get to eat for free. So stop trying to save face. Sometimes being ridiculous or doing ridiculous things has great results . . .like a free meal.