I tend to be mean to the opposite gender. I’m not physically mean –sometimes slamming your brother up against the wall can be satisfying but only every few years--but sometimes I tend to be a little verbally abusive. Some people think I am flirting but for me it’s just a competition.

In some circumstances I guess I need to be more careful though. One time I was kidding with my professor when he was calling the roll:

“Prettyman, that’s an interesting name. Do you go by a nickname?”
“You can call me Prettywoman”
“I don’t think my wife would like that”

Only problem is that he wasn’t kidding. My teacher was the type who liked to joke around with us but apparently not me. Why would I be interested in a teacher who is forty, wears dorky glasses and walks like a nerd?(You know the bouncy, excited duck walk that nerds have? They usually walk like that when they’re thinking about quantum physics or how they just said more than two words to a non-related woman for the first time in their life). Anyway, guess I should leave humor out of my relationships with my professors.

It seems that I can’t joke around with someone of the opposite gender unless I want to date them. I swear I’m not flirting and really it’s not flirting. For me it’s a competition. I don’t play sports because I would get too violent. I guess I let that competitive frustration out in other ways. Sometimes it’s with grades or its with beating men on getting the last word.

I grew up with two older brothers who are brilliant at getting the last word. It was a dog-eat-dog world in my family. If I wanted to be allowed to jump fences, break into abandoned houses or be let in on the latest secret then I had to prove myself.
I guess it also stems from my obsession with comedy. When I turn on the television, which isn’t often, it isn’t to “What not to wear,” CSI, or Law and Order. I watch comedy shows; Seinfeld, MASH, Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens, Simpsons, Cheers.

It’s been one of my goals to master the art of the perfect come back. I’m especially intrigued by Hawkeye Pierce from MASH. I look up to him and hope that someday when I make a comeback it will be as good as his.

So, next time you see me “flirting” with a man it’s because I am insulting or making jokes. I’m really just trying to win something that only I know is a competition.