Facing down my fears

The nights will be sleepless, the work will be demanding, what am I thinking? I'm graduating from college. I'm moving to Salt Lake City. My family will be 2000 miles away, all my family. Most of my friends will be in Idaho, four hours away. My connections? Not many. Man prospects? None. Money? Hardly any.

What am I thinking? Can shy little Kaitlin do this? How many people could do what I am doing? Or maybe the question is: How many people with my mentality could do this? I'm shy, self-conscious, and naturally an introvert.

A lot of things frighten me, so what am I thinking? Fear. I'm thinking of fear. I'm so afraid of it all. I'm most afraid of being a disappointment at my job and after that I'm afraid of coming home and being alone.

I think of my lonely trips to the grocery store, the library, the park, the ice-rink. I think of all the times I'll reach for the phone looking to call someone for comfort, looking to hear words of love. And then I'll think of all the people I can't call because they don't want to hear from the lonely single girl or because I don't want them to know how dull my life truly is. They're happily married, they have a social life, they have purpose in their life, people to live for. I don't even have a pet to live for.

I think of all this and I feel empty. I feel confused. And again it comes back to fear, fear, fear, fear. I take this internship, not because I have to, not because I have no choice, not because its expected. I take this internship because I fear what comes with it. I fear. I fear. I fear. But God counsels us not to fear and if I have faith I shall not fear.

So what do I do? I push all these fears from my mind. They are put there to slow me down. They are put there to hinder me. They serve no purpose. I don't need a pity party for me. I need to grow-up. Everyone has different trials-- some more than others. This is my trial and if I handle it well then I will be given even more trials. What am I proving to God when I succumb to my fear, when I choose sin over righteousness? I prove nothing. I show no love. I tell him that I can't handle the trials he's given me. Do I want God to take it easy on me? No. I want him to know that its difficult, its hard but for him I will do anything.

I will face down these fears, these trials. I have no right to feel fear, to be ungrateful, to have doubts. This is an amazing opportunity that has been given to me. I need to take it and make the most of it.

No more fear. No more doubt. I simply must rely on God and do what I know is right. The end.