I can't avoid what my life is, can't avoid what I've done, can't avoid what my decisions are making me into. I sit in silence and my mind races. I run from the silence in order to escape the racing. The racing, restless thoughts lead to the truth, the reality. I've messed up, I am messing up and I'm avoiding true thought, avoiding true feeling in order to escape the reality that wouldn't be so bad if I would just embrace it, make the most of it. Whats my reality at this moment? I keep wanting, keep reaching, keep taking the things that aren't good for me.
I become so wrapped up in the noise, I search for the noise, grasp the noise and run with it, I cling to it. I never know silence. I don't let myself. And yet I can't avoid it, eventually it finds me. I sit in that forced silence and acknowledge that my life is too noise driven. The thoughts I feel in the silence are the thoughts that know me best. They say the Spirit whispers with a still, small voice. How can I hear that voice when I won't stop letting the world pervade every moment I am coherently thinking?
The longer I let the noise in, the longer I fail to truly exist. I begin to live for the wrong reasons and as I live for these wrong reasons I begin to lose feelings, lose emotion, lose sensation. The loss is great and I can't recognize it; at least, not until I am stuck in the silence, forced in silence. I realize how restless I am , I realize how heartless I am.
The noise, the rush, the world; I must push it out, push it away. I keep claiming its not me but I am letting it become me, letting it become my reality. I must recognize that I can't turn to the noise for safety, for comfort because it only destroys what I am trying to rebuild. I must embrace the silence and stop trying to assuage my reality. I must look for silence, give myself silence and then I will begin to find good, to do good. Sensation will return, emotion will again exist and feelings reign where they could not with the noise.
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