The fear I feel behind the wheel

Driving scares the hell out of me. There's no easy, nice way to say it. My foot hits the gas and I picture dying. I can hear the breaks screech, I can feel the slam, I can feel the shame, I can feel the tears, I can feel the hurt, I can feel the fear. I've heard the breaks, felt the slam, felt the shame, the guilt the tears, the hurt, the fear.

Five car accidents. I haven't forgotten any, I choose not to linger on them but one sticks with me, this one scarred me. I keep waiting for the day when I won't just walk away, relieved that everyones alive. My death, their death. . .death. This is my fear. This is the fear that controls me more than almost any other.

Driving? Why does no one else fear it? Why does no one recognize that one little jerk of the wheel can kill a bus full of children, can cause a truck to explode in flames, a mother to lose her daughter, a husband his wife, a life to become hell.

I hear the screams, the moans. She's groaning, "my legs, my legs, I can't feel my god damn legs" and all I can do is stare and cry. I apologize through hyperventilated breaths but her forgiveness won't chase away the guilt that presses at me from all sides as I hold my head in my hands and sob on the side of the road.

I'm sixteen and I pulled out in front of a car traveling 55 miles an hour. I pulled out in front a car, I pulled out in front of a car, I pulled out in front a car and I saw, I saw, I saw my sister bleed, saw the fear on my brothers face, I saw my father bruised and I heard a woman groaning what I thought was her last breath.

I reach in my pocket and quickly withdraw my hand from that glass filled pocket. I look at my coat, its covered in blood. . .my blood. Its been four years. I don't forget. Its New Years today and I'm reliving the past horror I felt. My breaks cut out today. I felt the same horror as I did years before. I feel it as my car slides over 50 feet before stopping on a thankfully empty freeway. My fear returns.

I want to sit in a corner in an empty room, I want to cry, I want to run from what has held me back in so many ways but I don't. I put on my happy face today but fear fills me as I later get behind the wheel. I feel jinxed. I feel those old feelings. Each stop, each turn could mean death; not my death but the death of someone I love. I let myself fall into these fears, I lose myself in these fears. I can't focus on the good, I can't look at anything because the idea of hurting someone, of killing someone keeps haunting me, keeps pulling at me.

But again, I put on the happy face, I pretend to laugh it off. I have to. I won't be held back by one of my greatest fears. I can't be held back by one of my greatest fears. There are so many things that will scare us, so many things that will scar us but those things, those fears, those obstacles are the ones we must meet head on--not literally. There will be no quitting, no surrender and someday no fear.