Death is not just a number, a cause

I fell asleep smiling and I awoke crying. The thought of my own death doesn't frighten me nearly as much as the thought of yours.

Last night I dreamed my sister died. What scared me most were my initial thoughts in the dream, "oh its just another dead person, wonder how they died and at least it has nothing to do with me." But somehow, it finally entered into my conscious that this way my sister and not another person I've read about on the news. I realized that I had been reading about death and it didn't bother me as much as it once had.

In the dream I began to cry, to sob. I felt that life wouldn't, couldn't continue on. I thought of how I would never hear her speak, laugh, talk. She'd never finish being a teenager, never get her first kiss, never go to college, never start a career, never start a family.

The dream must have stemmed from all the things I've been reading in the news--the latest being the Arizona shooting. I don't think it reached my true conscience while I read these news stories. I simply read the words and looked for the effects it would have politically and the reasons for Jared Loughner's actions.

But what did I forget to do and think while I read this?

I forgot to truly feel, to truly be human. Christina Taylor Green, a nine-year old little girl lost her life this week while holding her neighbors hand and watching Congresswoman Gabrielle Gifford give a speech and then get shot in the head. before Jared Loughner released an array of bullets on the audience that killed this innocent little girl and 5 others.

I now begin to think of all the people this has hurt, not just physically but emotionally. Not only the immediate family and friends effected but thousands, millions. People have stopped to give a moment of silence, have rallied together to pay their respects to people they've never met. Why?

Because while the world is going to pot, there are still people out there who truly care and love the many, many sons and daughters of God in this world, even if they don't know them at this present time.

When we hear about deaths on the news its ok to listen to the numbers, listen to the causes but also we need to acknowledge the feelings of sadness and love we feel for the people who have died and for the people who are truly mourning those deaths.

If we've come to a point where we can hear about brutal murders, mass killings, the death of soldiers and civilians in other countries and feel nothing then we need to take a look at our lives and remember what's important-- EVERY life.

Snow, below normal temperatures means global warming does exist?

Snow covers the ground in 49 of 50 states. The storm that froze the south is now moving north and northeast states are preparing for the winter storm that the south doesn't know how to properly handle. Hundreds of flights have been cancelled, warnings given to stay home from work, closed schools, slick roads, thousands of people foreign to the concept of snow and several deaths are just some of the effects the snow has had the past few days.

This is definitely a sign that there is global warming . . .

Koreas are little children with bombs

"She bit my leg!" yells 7-year-old Nathan Kore to his mother

"Only because you put gum in my hair, " says Nathan's twin, Sarah Kore in response to his accusations. And then they turn from in each other, using the silent treatment and the threat of their childish tempers to try and settle the fight.

This little incident of bickering and arguing between two children is an almost an exact comparison to the fighting between N. Korea and S. Korea except that the Korea's have nuclear arms that can kill millions and Sarah and Nathan only have their fists and teeth.

And as Americans we don't do much of anything except back S. Korea up with with a few thousand soldiers and some fancy weapons, waiting in case something should happen between the two ever fighting countries.

But, according to a CNN article, it seems that S. Korea and N. Korea are on speaking terms again--for now. South Korea seems to be getting a lot of attacks that N. Korea continually denies. One in which 46 people were killed from a torpedo attack on a warship.

And the second, according to AFP "when the North bombarded a South Korean border island, killing four people including civilians."

But in the long run what everyone wants is a little peace. If S. Korea has been taken advantage of then N. Korea needs to apologize for their actions instead of trying to hide and lie and cover their tracks. But if there were no actions made by N. Korea then a source needs to be found for these deaths in S. Korea.

N. Korea has the fourth largest military in the world, and here everyone is sitting around bickering. Instead of constantly pointing fingers, lets find some real proof to support all these accusations and find out what's really going on between these two countries before something truly serious happens.

Honestly, in the end, it would be nice if just everyone would quit cracking their knuckles (aka doing their nuclear tests) and stop threatening to throw punches (aka threatening nuclear wars).

No conversing while driving

Buckle-up, it's the law. Government has made it a primary law in 31 states to wear seatbelts when driving. And now they are trying to make it a law in every state to forbid cell phone usage when driving.

Currently 30 states ban texting and 8 states ban hand held cell phone use.

While I don't like the idea of idiots driving under the influence of alcohol, I also don't like the idea of a driver distracted by texting, phone conversations, looking at GPS', eating, yelling at children, talking, listening to music . . .breathing.

Yes lives are at risk, yes lives are taken-- not because of actual "car accidents" but because of distracted drivers. There's almost nothing that can weigh more on the conscience than knowing you caused someone's death because you were driving while talking, breast feeding, reaching for a French fry, texting all at one time.

According to AAA "Distracted Driving - including the use of cell phones - is a major contributor to automobile crashes. Between 4,000 and 8,000 crashes related to distracted driving occur daily in the United States. In a year, they contribute to as many as one-half of the 6 million U.S. crashes reported annually."

While we need to find ways to make people aware of the lives they put at risk every time they let themselves become distracted when driving there is no need, no right for our government to create laws that tell us what we can and cannot do while driving.

If the random control exerted by our government continues then we'll eventually be pulled over for talking while driving, "Excuse me miss but you were talking to the passenger in your car, I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that" or "Miss, you were yelling at your child while driving, we're going to put that on your driving record and fine you $1000."

While we can petition, campaign, bear testimony and advertise the fact that becoming distracted with things that don't matter while driving is dangerous, we cannot expect laws to be made to stop what we should be have the freedom to do.

Focus on Loughner. . .?

What went through the mind of Jared Lee Loughners mind when he pointed a gun at Congresswoman Gabrielle Gifford's head? Does it matter?

Not a lot can really be said about Gifford; at least, not a lot can be said for now. Have his friends said anything? Did he even have friends? Have his parents said anything? No. There is no way to really dig into the life, the mind of this young man until more is found out.

His classmates said he was creepy, his professors said he was creepy but where are the quotes from the friends and family of Loughner? With all the negative comments made about him there was at least one positive comment at the end of NYDaily News, "Loughner worked as a volunteer at the Pima Animal Care Center, where he walked dogs and cleaned cages. "He loved animals and was a good worker," said another volunteer."

What happened to this boy who loved animals but can kill 6 people and wound 13 others? What sits at the forefront of our minds is who was Loughner? Were his actions driven to get attention, to go out of this world with a bang? Was it just a random murder or plotted? What ran through his mind when he bought that gun, he loaded that gun, he pulled the trigger on that gun? Why did he choose to shoot Gifford when she wrote him a kind thank you note?

Is this boy completely insane, completely tyrannical or are there a number of things that piled on top of him, one after the other till he tipped?

At the same time, should we wonder what went through the mind of this adolescent, I think its almost more relevant to look at what effects his actions can have.

There are the immediate effects. The lives lost and those who will mourn those lost lives. There are the wounded and those who will pray each night that those wounded will live, will function properly. But there are other effects to consider.

A lot of killings like this are people looking for attention, looking to be remembered. They don't care if the attention is completely negative. The focus on this boy, Jared Lee Loughner, needs to probably disintegrate. What does it accomplish focusing so much attention on this young man? It may give us "warning" signs for the future but honestly I think we've learned from this not what to look for but instead to open our mouths and try and find a suitable way to address the needs of someone like Jared Loughner before their actions become his.

Focusing so much on Loughner and what he did doesn't help the situation. It gives others with problems like Loughner the idea and want to be more extreme in order to get more attention.

Lets take our attention away from this young man. Lets come away knowing that we can't ignore the mentally ill that surround us. Recognize that harsh insults about them, laughing at them won't help them. Lets come out of this with a prayer in our hearts for those most affected by Loughners shooting and a prayer in our hearts for Loughner.

Don't focus on Loughner but focus on what we can learn from this awful event and what we can do to help those with similar mentalities to Loughners.

The fear I feel behind the wheel

Driving scares the hell out of me. There's no easy, nice way to say it. My foot hits the gas and I picture dying. I can hear the breaks screech, I can feel the slam, I can feel the shame, I can feel the tears, I can feel the hurt, I can feel the fear. I've heard the breaks, felt the slam, felt the shame, the guilt the tears, the hurt, the fear.

Five car accidents. I haven't forgotten any, I choose not to linger on them but one sticks with me, this one scarred me. I keep waiting for the day when I won't just walk away, relieved that everyones alive. My death, their death. . .death. This is my fear. This is the fear that controls me more than almost any other.

Driving? Why does no one else fear it? Why does no one recognize that one little jerk of the wheel can kill a bus full of children, can cause a truck to explode in flames, a mother to lose her daughter, a husband his wife, a life to become hell.

I hear the screams, the moans. She's groaning, "my legs, my legs, I can't feel my god damn legs" and all I can do is stare and cry. I apologize through hyperventilated breaths but her forgiveness won't chase away the guilt that presses at me from all sides as I hold my head in my hands and sob on the side of the road.

I'm sixteen and I pulled out in front of a car traveling 55 miles an hour. I pulled out in front a car, I pulled out in front of a car, I pulled out in front a car and I saw, I saw, I saw my sister bleed, saw the fear on my brothers face, I saw my father bruised and I heard a woman groaning what I thought was her last breath.

I reach in my pocket and quickly withdraw my hand from that glass filled pocket. I look at my coat, its covered in blood. . .my blood. Its been four years. I don't forget. Its New Years today and I'm reliving the past horror I felt. My breaks cut out today. I felt the same horror as I did years before. I feel it as my car slides over 50 feet before stopping on a thankfully empty freeway. My fear returns.

I want to sit in a corner in an empty room, I want to cry, I want to run from what has held me back in so many ways but I don't. I put on my happy face today but fear fills me as I later get behind the wheel. I feel jinxed. I feel those old feelings. Each stop, each turn could mean death; not my death but the death of someone I love. I let myself fall into these fears, I lose myself in these fears. I can't focus on the good, I can't look at anything because the idea of hurting someone, of killing someone keeps haunting me, keeps pulling at me.

But again, I put on the happy face, I pretend to laugh it off. I have to. I won't be held back by one of my greatest fears. I can't be held back by one of my greatest fears. There are so many things that will scare us, so many things that will scar us but those things, those fears, those obstacles are the ones we must meet head on--not literally. There will be no quitting, no surrender and someday no fear.

Assuage my reality

Music, men, food, exercise. . .the list goes on. I'm avoiding reality; I'm running from reality; I'm assuaging my reality. I turn the radio up, I eat junk food, I run till I can't breathe and I kiss those I don't even love. I wrap myself up in the noise to distract. Distract from what?

I can't avoid what my life is, can't avoid what I've done, can't avoid what my decisions are making me into. I sit in silence and my mind races. I run from the silence in order to escape the racing. The racing, restless thoughts lead to the truth, the reality. I've messed up, I am messing up and I'm avoiding true thought, avoiding true feeling in order to escape the reality that wouldn't be so bad if I would just embrace it, make the most of it. Whats my reality at this moment? I keep wanting, keep reaching, keep taking the things that aren't good for me.

I become so wrapped up in the noise, I search for the noise, grasp the noise and run with it, I cling to it. I never know silence. I don't let myself. And yet I can't avoid it, eventually it finds me. I sit in that forced silence and acknowledge that my life is too noise driven. The thoughts I feel in the silence are the thoughts that know me best. They say the Spirit whispers with a still, small voice. How can I hear that voice when I won't stop letting the world pervade every moment I am coherently thinking?

The longer I let the noise in, the longer I fail to truly exist. I begin to live for the wrong reasons and as I live for these wrong reasons I begin to lose feelings, lose emotion, lose sensation. The loss is great and I can't recognize it; at least, not until I am stuck in the silence, forced in silence. I realize how restless I am , I realize how heartless I am.

The noise, the rush, the world; I must push it out, push it away. I keep claiming its not me but I am letting it become me, letting it become my reality. I must recognize that I can't turn to the noise for safety, for comfort because it only destroys what I am trying to rebuild. I must embrace the silence and stop trying to assuage my reality. I must look for silence, give myself silence and then I will begin to find good, to do good. Sensation will return, emotion will again exist and feelings reign where they could not with the noise.