Limbo ... painful and enjoyable

Home remodel

Our new chicks

I've been thinking a lot about my academic/career future. I want so bad to have a stable, decent paying job or I want to get into a PhD program.

Modeling, self portrait, a little photoshop

The waiting is killing me. Why is it taking so long? I should've heard back by now, its almost April.  I've been checking the mail like crazy, even when I know the mail hasn't come yet. And then the thoughts of paranoia come. I start thinking about how my neighbors or some homeless person from the shelter down the street could've stolen my acceptance letter. And the longer it takes the more I  feel a washed in self doubt and low self esteem.

Is this some kind of disease? Has anyone else been afflicted by this epidemic?

I've applied to about ten jobs that I am highly qualified for in the past month, and I've heard nothing so far ... yet again, something else that makes me constantly check the mail.

Is it my resume? My gender? My face? A typo? 

I keep kicking myself, wondering whats wrong with me. Maybe I've chosen the wrong career, maybe God wants me to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen right now, maybe I'm supposed to be dead, but I keep missing the bus that's supposed to hit me. Who can say?

To make life even more complicated, I also had to push my graduation back till June. My thesis is basically done but my department changed our winter deadlines without telling us and so I just couldn't finish things on time.

I didn't realize how much it would suck to finish something late, until I started to seeing everyone talking on Facebook about finishing their masters degree next month. Stupid Facebook. I should delete that thing again but there are so many cute babies and delicious recipes--not recipes for babies, but for food ... I just wanted to clear that up.

I've used the past month to complete some home construction on our house and my husbands other house. I've made dump runs, learned to rivet things. I am currently making homemade curtain rods. The past month has been fun, but in the back of mind there is always the jobless thoughts, the academic failure thoughts.

But I am going to be positive. I was also able to work on my photography skills, my website, my husbands upcoming home inspection website, my wardrobe and I am going to start taking voice lessons next week.

I've also joined CERT, where have learned basic emergency preparedness and medical and rescue techniques for when Utah is shook up by an earthquake or terrorist attack. We also bought chicks and plan to build a chicken coup in the back yard. Crazy.

We're planning to visit Washington in the next month and I am going to learn to ride a horse at Brandon's uncle's ranch.

I guess I am doing a lot right now in regards to my career future but I am learning a lot and having a lot of fun.