The Crap Load of Stuff I Plan to Do When I am Married

Goals for marriage and family

(Most of these things I am trying to incorporate in my life now and there is always room for suggestions)

For our Children and Us

· Teach them the right way from the beginning

· I want to say prayers with them the day the are born, before they even understand what praying is, so that it becomes natural to them and so their Heavenly Father is ALWAYS a known part of their life

· I want a neat an orderly home but also a fun home

· Always set a good example for them

· FHE, family prayers, prayers at all meals, Priesthood blessings are all a constant

· Christ as the center of our home

· Education tools available in all areas of our home

· Healthy and good eating habits

· Exercise, activities outside the home: playground, play dates, swimming, soccer, football, biking, hiking, karate, fun family activities

· No relying on yelling and aggression in stressful or frustrating situations

· Set goals as a family, things to work up to and work on

As husband and wife

· Scripture reading and journaling

· I want my husband and I to discuss things, communicate effectively at all times

· Set goals with my husband

· Take care of myself and he will too: annual Drs appointment, weight management, good grooming, good eating habits, dental appointments and clean and neat dress and appearance

· For me I will work when/if necessary but my main focus on the home and family and being a nurturer

· My husband should be the provider, priesthood holder, and protector in our family

· Be an active listener to my husband and children

· Go on dates with my husband weekly, keep the passion between us alive, keep him as my best friend and confidant

· Temple monthly, if not more depending on where we live and our situation

· Be selfless

· Learn our faults and mistakes and repent for them and work on them

· Consistent and complete church attendance

· Dedication to our callings

· Honesty in all our dealings

· Faithful tithing payers

· Always be bettering ourselves, gaining knowledge and trying new things

· Be able to deal with adversity and the trials that come in life in a Christ like and be willing to adapt our plans and goals to them.

Not suicidal

Closing my eyes and putting my pillow over my head used to scare the monsters away. My monsters aren’t the same anymore. They’ve transformed into something far worse, far more frightening. My monsters have become life itself.

What do I do? I’m suffocating as we speak. I never planned to be this frightened, I never planned this far ahead and I never planned to be where I am now. My life seems so shallow and empty right now. It’s filled with work, accomplishments, dreams and me—just me.

My brother was married this weekend. I never thought he’d settle down before me. How many more will fall in love and settle down before I do? How many more will get what I want most?
But of course I have to change what I want. I can’t have what I want. So I sit here and stare at the screen. I think about the forms I have to fill out, the resume that needs some loving, the homework I can’t seem to care about and the future that I can’t foresee.

I’d like to know where I will be in 10 years. I want to know just so I can prepare myself for what I fear will be a lonely 10 years.

I’m a pessimist with the attitude of an optimist. I can put on a happy face for anyone--most of the time--but inside I die.

Alone, this word frightens me more than hell. A pillow won’t stop the monsters from coming at me, from pulling me down and being objectively cruel force that they are. No amount of tears, sleep or food will chase these feelings away. There the feelings of a very mixed up child who wants nothing more than to sit in the corner, wants nothing more than to hide under her bed. But what lies waiting me under my bed.

I will press with my hand, not on the pillow I’d like to cover my face but the door that opens into the next part of my life.

No other

Lose control. Ever get caught up in the moment? I become so caught into that moment; it becomes a day, a week, a month and then my life. I find myself living from moment to moment.

I take no time to think, to reflect. My decisions, while of a mild nature, are unplanned, rash and often foolish. I throw out both of my hands and I say, “pick one.” My destiny held in one of my fists when really it’s held in an embrace.

It’s an embrace I refuse to acknowledge is there oftentimes. It’s easier to pretend, to brush it off, to forget. It’s easy to tell myself that he’s not real, he did nothing and for that I am nothing. I run from my problems, my trials, my enemies and I even run from him.

I lay the blame on him and accept the praise as my own. I acknowledge him not and for that I am often lonely, often alone. I can’t stand to be by myself, to let my thoughts provoke me for I know that if I were to look too closely I would then see a life I shouldn’t be living.

And as I sit here and let my thoughts run rampant I realize what I’ve known all along: I love him. I love him as I shall never love another. I recognize him as my light, my life, my Savior. I can’t use words, a touch to any sense or even emotion to convey this love. I love him and because I love him I shall do as he directs. If I truly love my God then I will obey him. I will obey him.