Drama and abuse

It seems you can't get rid of a person when you really want to -- especially when that person is your ex-boyfriend. If there is one person that I don't want to see, don't want to hear about, don't want to interact with its my ex-boyfriend.

But I guess its hard to shake someone that reprehensible. How does a woman not feel utter shame after she removes herself from an abusive relationship? I jumped out before it could become like most abusive relationships and I still feel utter embarrassment that I dated something (yes, I consider him a thing) like that.

Anyway, on the drama. I checked my Facebook a few weeks ago. I'd received an email from me ex-boyfriends wife's sister. That is a mouthful. Let me explain. My ex-boyfriend married my friend. Its a long, hurtful story that I don't care to tell at the moment but anyway he married my friend, and lets call this friend Merissa.

So, Merissa's sister emailed me a couple weeks ago.

"Hey Kaitlin!
This is Merissa's little sister Gaby, we met a couple years ago. I have a question for you about ex-boyfriend... What was he like? He has kind of taken Merissa away from our family, and he causes a lot of problems. We just want to know if you know anything about him that we don't know since we don't know him that well. Merissa doesn't know about this so please don't tell her...
Thank you so much!"

So, I felt I should call them. I felt for a long while that the abuse I suffered from him was all in my head. He never raised a hand to hit me but I wish he had. I would prefer to be hit then to be mentally, verbally, spiritually assaulted for six months. Can you imagine someone telling you for six months that you aren't good enough? Not only that but having them make lists of all the things that are wrong with me.

(Let me also clarify that me ex-boyfriend was not very attractive, so it hurts even more to have an ugly person tell you that you aren't worth it. Of course, I dumped him before he could marry me and make me suffer hearing that through the eternities).

I call them. I find out from this sister and from the rest of the family while on the speaker phone that my boyfriend IS an abusive person. Everything I had predicted, experienced was happening to Merissa and to them.

I thought after talking to Gab and reassuring them that they weren't the only ones who had experience the ex-boyfriend, I thought this would officially end all contact. I felt liberated, I felt justified. I have finally shaken that hurt and bitterness from me.

But of course the problem will never disappear for them. Their treasured family member has been set against them by her husband. She's been alienated from all her friends. She's lost her light.

The whole family has recently added me on Facebook and like to message me and tell me things like this,

"Well it was a stupid start but it exploded into something bigger. i had bought two pairs of pants the week before we left for washington and they fit britt perfectly so she bought them from me. and while we were there i wanted to show karisa them that they basically fit both of us and ex-boyfriend was rude and was like "you made her buy them, why didn't you give them to her? karisa gave you a ton of pants" and that got me mad so i said no you made her get rid of them cause of the holes and he said she looked trashy. he got mad at that comment and i lost it and was just yelling at him and my mom pulled me into the back bedroom for me to calm down"

But the story gets better because Gaby continued it with,

"well ex-boyfriend and Merissa followed [me] up to the bedroom and the fight continued and karisa grabbed my neck and started trying to slap my face so i was kicking her off of me since i was still on the bed and ex-boyfriend grabbed my legs and pushed them to my chest and he was hovering over me and he yelled "damnit Gaby don't you touch my wife" he looked so mad and i thought he was going to hit me but he wouldn't let me go"

I feel so thankful that I escaped this person but I feel sorry for the family, I feel sorry for the friend I once had. Its a sad situation. Its an abusive situation. Since I was in that relationship, I've learned to read the signs of abuse in my relationships. I'm grateful for the experience because I learned from it, I grew from it but I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

And now, all I can do is pray for my friend and her family at this time.

Did you hear about what she did to him?!?!?!

Warnings of the negative effects of gossip have been issued from churches, parents and teachers. But on June 3, Psychology Today published an article titled, " Gossip Creates Closeness" by Nathan Heflick who said, "Research shows that sharing this negative information - when it is also shared by others - can make us feel closer to each other."

Gossip seems to circulate in many different ways from personal life, celebrity life, and political life to business life. And does it bring closeness? Businesses would disagree. Countless articles have been published as to the negative effect of gossip in the workplace. Rapid Learning Institute Resource said " Gossip in the workplace kills productivity and creates discontent among the employees"

And countless articles are published on the how to deal with the effects of gossip. The definition of gossip, according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary is "a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others" or " rumor or report of an intimate nature."

Gossip is a rumor, not necessarily a fact and can often be seen as slander to someone's reputation when taken too far.

A commenter on Ask.com said " Gossip allows mistakes from the past to haunt someone, making it difficult or impossible to start over."

The word "gossip" does not seem to have positive connotations but it seems that Psychology Today is offering that positive perspective.

But really, is it OK to become close to a person by spreading lies, or sharing hearsay with that person?

And ABC seems to consent to gossip saying that, " Researchers from Northeastern University and the University of California say social gossip allows people to learn about others across a very wide group. That in turn gives people the cues they need to know who they want to be friends with, or not, without having to actually spend lots of time with them first."

But are these cues accurate cues when they could be coming from someone who doesn't like that person, doesn't really know the person, is just passing along gossip they heard from another person?

Not only does gossip circulate amongst and about friends but it piles onto the newsstands and in grocery stores in the form of magazines that highlight the dirty secrets and hidden "truths" about celebrities or politicians.

Gossip even spills into Politics, wnewsj.com, recently said that gossip seems to be spilling into politics. Many political figures have dropped from the political sphere from fear of having their good name slandered or that of their family. Gossip seems to be shown positively as the writer of the article said, "Character matters in politics, especially in a president. The way candidates behave in their private lives is illuminating of their public character; the decision about how to weigh that behind-closed-doors conduct in the context of a larger career ought to be up to voters. Ultimately, the cost of ignoring candidates’ personal lives is greater than the price of probing them."

But the only problem with probing too deeply into a candidate's life is the gossip that comes with it. What was portrayed as "fact" about a politician's life can later be seen as merely salacious gossip?

This in turn affects and impairs judgment. Disovermagazine.com discusses how gossip affects our vision as well as our judgment, " Gossip, especially negative gossip, affects not only our judgment, but our vision too. It influences both what we think about someone and whether we see them in the first place."

The seemingly positive side of gossip does not even seem to come close to outweigh the negative side of gossip.

Man down makes makes video go down

Rihannna (Robyn Rihanna Fenty) seems to have a way of taking extremely sensitive issues and portraying them with a touchy accuracy. It started with "Unfaithful," a song that portrays the viewpoint of an unfaithful person in a relationship, to "Love the Way You Lie," a song about the addiction of an abusive relationship.

And now, her music video "Man Down," has caused a stir. The music video has come under fire from the Parents Television Council, the Enough is Enough campaign and entertainment think tank Industry Ears.

There are many who are angry by this portrayal of 23-year-old singer Rihanna who, in the beginning of her music video, shoots a man. A man that we later find had raped her the night before in the video.

What's the controversy? There are those that support the song and video. A columnist for CNN, Leslie Steiner, said, "Instead of criticizing the pop singer, I'd like to say thank you, Rihanna."

Steiner said she was shocked by the negative stir the video caused. Instead, Steiner thinks that Rihanna has portrayed the feelings that many women feel, "the rage and vengeance fantasies that often constitute a normal, healthy reaction to rape and domestic violence."

Rihanna claims the song is about a woman who struggles with guilt for accidentally murdering a man and is meant to encourage female empowerment.

Rolling Stone said the music video is one in which she is "depicted gunning down a man in cold blood as payback for an implied sexual assault.

And those not in favor of the video say, "there’s very little about the song and video that suggest guilt. There’s a lyric here and there about not being able to sleep at night, etc. and so forth, but that’s kind of overpowered by the happy smiling faces and the song’s fun Caribbean-like beat," according to a column on Psychcentral.com.

According to Free Press, BET said it will continue to play the video and MTV is in the process of reviewing it.

In 2009 Rihanna was brutally beat by her boyfriend, Chris Brown. Since then Rihanna has turned out a number of different songs that seem to be in response to that relationship.

"Love the Way You Life," stirred up the masses with its portrayal of an abusive relationship, The Huffington Post writer, Randy Susan Meyers said last year that "we see one long rationalization about how two people caught up in alcohol and sex flame out to a passion soaked burn. That's the song your kids will be humming and dancing to while they watch a glamour-drama of domestic abuse amidst love gone wrong."

But a column in Yahoo said "Love the Way You Lie" is "yet another opportunity to explore the darker side of relationships and question the values we see reflected in the entertainment industry -- that violence is at times justifiable or even sympathetic."