Wednesday, August 15, 2012

I'm going there someday

stormy wedding photos rainy wedding photos wedding photos marriage bay wedding photos
This is my favorite of the wedding photos.
It was the morning of my wedding reception in Maryland and the text I received didn’t shock me, it only reinforced that nagging feelings I had felt over the past months.

He couldn’t come to my reception because it felt blasphemous supporting someone who was a member and had married outside of the Temple--that was the gist of the text. Of course, I didn’t really think that any one entirely blew off my wedding because I wasn’t married in the temple, but I am sure it influenced their decision in whether or not they should come.

You may be thinking that the text reinforced some upset I may have had because I wasn’t married in the temple. It didn’t.

I knew there were people who disapproved of my decisions, they judged without really understanding what they judged. I forgave them. Many probably assumed that we just weren’t morally worthy of the temple at that time. Many wondered, few knew and hardly any understood.

I felt fear and angst when I first thought of marrying outside of the temple. It was a year ago that I sat in my friends house and explained how I couldn’t move past that barrier. I felt fear and angst because I didn’t look forward to silent disapproval that would come from friends and family, from those I thought unconditionally loved me. I finally realized that I loved Brandon and I was OK with marrying outside of the temple … for now, of course.

I knew that I while I had excelled in the realm of education and career, I had a lagged in my spiritual progression. I knew the Church was true, I was active, I had a testimony, but the true umph was missing. I was working from habit.

I also knew that my husband was not ready to make those covenants again, not after his experiences in the past, experiences that still left a bitter taste in his mouth. I knew that forcing Brandon and myself to do something that we weren’t wholeheartedly ready for was wrong, but I also knew that foregoing marriage to Brandon because we couldn’t marry in the temple was wrong.

Right before Brandon proposed I felt a certain peace whenever I thought of marrying Brandon. So, when Brandon proposed, I said yes. For a while in the engagement I didn’t feel worthy of a true wedding. I felt that my friends would think I was blasphemous. Again, I was letting what other’s thought influence my feelings and actions.

Bu I decided to have the wedding. Going to BYU and being engaged was awkward, and hose feelings of inferiority I experienced intensified.

I kept getting the question, “What temple are you getting married in?” and my reply “I’m not.”

I also had to explain to my 14/15 year old Sunday School class that I wasn’t going to the Temple.

“Why,” a bunch of boys asked, only to be chastised by the girls for asking rude questions, but I explained the scenario with the composure of a long cool woman in a black dress.

I had many friends ask me if I knew what I was doing and I know I had friends who didn’t think I knew what I was doing. But I am happy with my choices. I am happy with my actions. I am happy that I decided to wait before entering the temple.

I look forward to the day when I can enter the House of the Lord. I am happy that I waited.

2 comments:

  1. I love how honest you are in writing! You should be proud of the decisions you have made because they ARE YOUR decisions. It is YOUR life and those who are naysayers can just suck it. You are happy and thats all that matters. Too many times in our church culture people are SO JUDGMENTAL and in reality we all need to be more Christlike. Love your blog by the way!

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