I'm going there someday

This is my favorite of the wedding photos.

It was the morning of my wedding reception in Maryland and the text I received didn’t shock me, it only reinforced that nagging feelings I had felt over the past months.

He couldn’t come to my reception because it felt blasphemous supporting someone who was a member and had married outside of the Temple--that was the gist of the text. Of course, I didn’t really think that any one entirely blew off my wedding because I wasn’t married in the temple, but I am sure it influenced their decision in whether or not they should come.

You may be thinking that the text reinforced some upset I may have had because I wasn’t married in the temple. It didn’t.

I knew there were people who disapproved of my decisions, they judged without really understanding what they judged. I forgave them. Many probably assumed that we just weren’t morally worthy of the temple at that time. Many wondered, few knew and hardly any understood.

I felt fear and angst when I first thought of marrying outside of the temple. It was a year ago that I sat in my friends house and explained how I couldn’t move past that barrier. I felt fear and angst because I didn’t look forward to silent disapproval that would come from friends and family, from those I thought unconditionally loved me. I finally realized that I loved Brandon and I was OK with marrying outside of the temple … for now, of course.

I knew that I while I had excelled in the realm of education and career, I had a lagged in my spiritual progression. I knew the Church was true, I was active, I had a testimony, but the true umph was missing. I was working from habit.

I also knew that my husband was not ready to make those covenants again, not after his experiences in the past, experiences that still left a bitter taste in his mouth. I knew that forcing Brandon and myself to do something that we weren’t wholeheartedly ready for was wrong, but I also knew that foregoing marriage to Brandon because we couldn’t marry in the temple was wrong.

Right before Brandon proposed I felt a certain peace whenever I thought of marrying Brandon. So, when Brandon proposed, I said yes. For a while in the engagement I didn’t feel worthy of a true wedding. I felt that my friends would think I was blasphemous. Again, I was letting what other’s thought influence my feelings and actions.

Bu I decided to have the wedding. Going to BYU and being engaged was awkward, and hose feelings of inferiority I experienced intensified.

I kept getting the question, “What temple are you getting married in?” and my reply “I’m not.”

I also had to explain to my 14/15 year old Sunday School class that I wasn’t going to the Temple.

“Why,” a bunch of boys asked, only to be chastised by the girls for asking rude questions, but I explained the scenario with the composure of a long cool woman in a black dress.

I had many friends ask me if I knew what I was doing and I know I had friends who didn’t think I knew what I was doing. But I am happy with my choices. I am happy with my actions. I am happy that I decided to wait before entering the temple.

I look forward to the day when I can enter the House of the Lord. I am happy that I waited.