Encompassing arms of my Savior.

I cried last night. I don't cry often. Its an annual thing but I've been crying lately. This crying spree began when I received the speeding ticket. Then when I knelt on my knees and truly prayed for the first time in a very, very long time. This time will hopefully be the last.

Its easy to dump someone when you're no longer interested in them. So easy. Its not easy to walk away from someone you truly care about. I've done it twice now. The first was last year. This one, in some ways, was harder. I've never been friends with the men I've 'loved'. I don't know if its ever really been in love but sometimes its sure felt like it.

This last one was my friend, an example, someone I respected and I cared deeply about.

I cried this time. I've never really cried about a guy. It was embarrassing but I guess necessary. I almost cried in the office when I decided to let go. The first 24 hours have passed. I've been thinking, I've been realizing.

For so long I've been hurt by men. I've let them walk all over me, lead me on and then let me go. It always hurts. No matter how many time you tell yourself it doesn't, it does.

Whats different about this time? He wasn't walking all over me, he just wasn't ready for me. I wasn't helping him. I was just someone to turn to when he should've been turning to God. I know that if its not me then it will just be someone else he turns to instead of God.

I know this because I do this. But this time I don't turn to another man to erase the hurt, to cover it, to temporarily comfort me. I've turned so often to the wrong arms. The arms that only make it worse. Arms that in the long run will only make it hurt more.

I'm not going to lie. The temptations have been there, the offers were given. I nearly accepted quite a few. I didn't. I nearly made a few offers of my own. I didn't.

I decided to learn from this experience, to learn from letting go. I've found the right arms to turn to. As I open my scriptures, as I say my prayers, as I serve those around me, I can feel those arms about me. Its right. I've learned to turn to my Savior's arms to warm my frosted heart.

Those arms won't disappear, those arms won't leave. They don't have stipulations, they don't lack commitment, they don't lack for love. They are constant, they are consistent.

Before I could ever turn to the arms of a man, the arms of my husband, I had to first learn to turn to the arms of my Savior. That is what I am doing. I am putting my trust, my love, my heart in the hands of God and I am placing myself in the all encompassing arms of my Savior.

QUOTES:

"The Messiah extends His arm of mercy to us, always eager to receive us—if we choose to come to Him."

"But behold, the Lord hath ^aredeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his ^bglory, and I am encircled about eternally in the ^carmsof his ^dlove."

"Behold, he sendeth an invitation unto ^aall men, for the ^barmsof mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive you."

"Behold, thou art Oliver, and I have spoken unto thee because of thy desires; therefore ^atreasure up these words in thy heart. Be faithful and ^bdiligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my ^clove."

"Listen to the voice of Jesus Christ, your Redeemer, the Great ^aI Am, whose arm of ^bmercy hath ^catoned for your sins;"

“I will encircle thee in the arms of my love.”

‎"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." -Thoreau

t has always amazed me that even though there are virtually an infinite number of people with whom one can have a relationship that when a person falls in love, then all others cease to exist. It defies all logic. -Richard Spence (My grandfather)

Everyone has an attitude, so get used to mine.

‎"Verily I say unto you, all among them who know their hearts are honest, and are broken, and their spirits contrite, and are willing to observe their covenants by sacrifice--yea, every sacrifice which I, the Lord, shall command--they are accepted of me."

My brother doesn't have a facebook; he prefers to stalk people by stealing wallets, peeping through windows and following people while the rest of us stalk on here.

How silent is your conscience?

One of the greatest gifts a man can give his woman is his time.

My current position on dating: I don't want to date you, I want to benefit from you.

Those who see you at your worst are those that know you best.

Girls like being pursued. Too bad men are typically quitters.

Poser? Probably.

I probably am. I feel that I have substantial reasons to be (I want you to say that in your head as though I were talking in a no-nonsense, business accent).

You ever spend your whole childhood thinking you were ugly? Thinking you were fat? Did you dress in "grandma" clothes all during middle school when you were homeschooling? Did you wear back baggy pants and big sweaters when you were in high school? Did you spend elementary school friendless? No one wanted to sit with you on the bus? You ever stand in the aisle waiting for someone to take pity on you? You ever have kids make fun of your highwaters? Call you names? Did you spend your first year of college friendless? Did you stare at a boy for four years without saying more than two words to him because you didn't feel good enough?

I did. I did all those things, except the "bringing back" part. No one wanted my style to be brought back (The last two photos are of me, these are from high school. Yes I did dress like this. Yes, those are man shorts).

I had no self-esteem but at the same time I guess I had no shame since I wore my grandmothers clothes. Self-conscious, bratty and shy were not a good combination. It took me a long time to change. A long, long time.

One look, a wink, a date and a boyfriend later and my self-esteem was on a high. I'm still trying to come down from that high. Kaitlin was beautiful. Kaitlin had a right to chase hot men.

This is where the posing took place. I could look good in my clothes, I could look good in a man's eye, I could look good in a photo. There's been lots of photos, lots of silly glam shots since I realized that there must be at least on attractive bone in my body.

Part of it is probably pride, oh, ok, a lot of it is pride. Mostly I want my kids to see photos of me in my prime. My mother has so few photos, especially since her mother lost most of them in one of her frequent moves. I never really knew what my mother looked like as a child, as a teen, as a young adult.

I want my kids to know that mommy wasn't always pregnant mommy, wasn't always tired mommy, wasn't always older mommy. All these photos I take now are my proof. I love taking photos too and so why not take photos of me? Why not let my kids see that an ugly child can turn into a mildly attractive young adult?

I'm going to continue to be a poser till I get married. Once that happens --if it ever does, then my camera won't focus on me at all; It will be all about the kids, all about the husband, all about the family.

Unavailable number: Potential lover?

Days. I had missed calls from this Unavailable number for days. Who could it be? They always called when I was at work or when my phone wasn't glued to the palm of my hand--this doesn't happen too frequently.

At first I didn't notice. At first I didn't care. If their name didn't show on my phone, if they didn't leave a message, then it must not be important.

But I began to notice, after this continued for a week. My curiosity was peaked, and I continued to miss their calls. I became curious. It was all so mysterious and possibly adventurous.

I excitedly awaited their next call, hoped that I would answer this time. I missed it. I was driving and I just missed the call. I determined that the suspense couldn't go on any longer. The next time this person called I would answer, no matter where I was.

I dreamed. What if it was someone from my past, some old lover, an old flame? Wouldn't it be fun to turn down an old lover? Wouldn't it be fun rekindle an old flame? What if it were someone who had met me, couldn't get me off his mind and just had to meet me?

Oh the scenarios that ran through my head. I was almost tempted to never answer this unavailable caller. I wanted to continue to believe the romantic notions in my head but I did answer the call.

It was Saturday morning, sitting at work. My phone lit up. I moved my hand. I hesitated. Did I want to answer? Should I answer it? I did it. I was in a newspaper office, everyone was on their phone; no one would get offended.

"Is this Kaitlin," a female voice over the phone said. My hopes dropped. It seems BYU-Idaho was just out to get me again.

Fungus horror

Fungus. There's a "Seinfeld" episode where Jerry sees fungal cream in his girl's bathroom. He doesn't know what part of her is infungied (yes I know this isn't a word but I like it) and so he can't touch her until he finds out the cream is for her dog.

Last semester I walked barefoot into my bathroom, ready to take a shower, and what did I see sitting on the floor? Fungal cream. At that moment I no longer saw Jerry as a conceited, selfish person. I felt a bond. I was disgusted. I immediately jumped in the shower, then I immediately jumped back out, and back in and . . . back out. I didn’t know where to step; I didn't know where to go; I was cornered.

Questions ran through my head: Do I run to the kitchen and get the strongest cleaner I can find? Was I already infected? Do I just ignore it? Do I ask my roommate about it? Chills of disgust were beginning to work their way up my spine.

What did I do? Nothing. I was disgusted but I took my shower anyway and I continued to take showers in there but I always wore shoes or socks into that bathroom. I was angry that she didn't share her "little problem" with me though.

I didn't contract any weird fungus. I didn’t shrivel up and die. But I jumped to conclusions. I jumped to lots of conclusions. I wore socks and shoes from then on when ever I used that bathroom. I could never quite look at her the same for the next few weeks.

Of course the fungus cream wasn't the only reason, but I'm sure I did her some injustice. Honestly, people don't always know when they're habits are disgusting or revolting.

I like to eat pudding with my finger. My friend finds it disgusting. I would've never known if he hadn't said something. I'm glad he did. I don't eat food with my fingers in front of him anymore . . . unless I feel like being a jerk.

If we don't say anything, then we have no right to be upset or disgusted by their fungus cream, their herpes cream, their dirty dishes, their hair stuck in the shower drain, their finger in the pudding.

Point it out and if they continue with their disgusting habits, then feel free to be justifiably disgusted and revolted by them.

The men in my life

It seems I have shown a lot of hate toward men lately. They've become targets for my sarcasm and my hurt. I won't delete the things I've written or erase my words but I will say this: I LOVE MEN.

I look to my Savior first. There is no man more significant in my life, no person. The love and respect that fills my heart when I think, pray, testify of my Savior and my Heavenly Father is the strongest emotion of love, fervor, admiration. There is no one greater.

I look to my father. Working over 60 plus hours to put food on the table to give his family the best. His ability to work with his hands, his spontaneity, his ability to do practically anything he sets his mind to. Although tired and overworked he always found time to gather his family for prayer, for scriptures. He always found time to spend with each of us. He found time to nurture our strengths. He's been the ideal father, there could be no better in my eyes.

I look to my ward, the men whose example and love brings tears to my eyes as I write. Ed Hudson, Will Gillingwater, Bishop Reed, Phil Sprinkle, Dave Johnson, Jeff Borgholthaus, Kelly Frome, Steve Tripp, Calvin Hart, Tom Boswell, Patriarch Mason, John Caless, Mark Henderson and the list goes on. These are men that I admire. They are men I respect as husbands, fathers, Priesthood holders. They've shown so much love and caring for my family and I.

I look at the people I've worked with at school, in jobs, in the community. John Thompson, Joel Judkins, Ron Bennett, Lane Williams, Matthew Whoolery, these are men who have dedicated their lives to teaching their students, to helpin them find so many opportunities in their lives. They've given them (me) the opportunity to be the best. Their example, their knowledge and their love for God have influenced me greatly.

There are the nameless faces as well. Those I've worked with, interacted with whose example made me want to change, to be better. They've made me stand back in admiration.

My friends in the church and outside the church who have helped me, given me respect, time, love and laughter. I'll never forget the FHE brothers who helped me maintain a deep fondness and love for the male gender, even when it seemed that at the time all men were out to hurt me. Kevin, Niepraschk, Jake Black, Hans Stokes, Billy Harker, these all Priesthood holders who have given me friendship and service and who have earned respect and affection from me. Kevin has been an anchor and always appeared when I needed someone to listen and help. I owe him so much.

There's Taylor Wall, a friend who became like a brother when I had no others after I came here. Mike Whitaker who puts up with all my nonsensical ideas on the male gender. There's JR Briscoe, the big brother I never seemed to have growing up. He helped me to survive my last few semesters when the world seemed to be crumbling before me by sharing his family with me. JR was the stable force and example I looked to. They took me in when I had no family to share Thanksgiving.

There's Nathan Smith, a pillar of strength. He wrote me his whole mission and inspired me with his inspirational words. There's Michael Barbosa whose letters recently lift me up every time I talk to him. His positive attitude, intelligence and motivation are inspirational.

The people I've worked with. Mike Rowell, who was just always so positive and full of kindness. Ben Fentriss, who never failed to make fun of me but always made me laugh. Peter Nguyen, who is an amazing journalist, who truly changed the face of a college newspaper while being an amazing husband and father.

There are my own brothers, who I don't see frequently but I am full of love and admiration for. Sam has been one of my best friends. We pretty much do everything together when I am home, which includes chasing birds through fields, flashing geese on the river at night and rollerblading. And my brother-in-law who has brought my sister so much happiness and is always kind and loving to everyone. There's the other family members. My Uncle Greg who has offered me so much good advice and love. My grandfather who spends time with us and shares love with our family.

And there's Matt Breyman; a friend who has become essential in my life. His example is greater than he knows. He's brought me a lot of hope, a lot of understanding and he's always had my respect.

And of course there will be the man I marry someday. He will have my utmost respect, my love, my heart, my trust.

I could continue to talk about all the amazing men in my life. I could go into deep detail with each one and why they are amazing. There will be more amazing men to come into and out of my life. They will be men who have my respect, love and trust.

These are men with heavy burdens, much sorrow, much work and yet they continue to love those around them and their Heavenly Father.

So, raise your glass to the male gender and for all that they do.

The dream house and a little more

The ultimate daydream for me is this. I just want a little box house away from the street.

The house will be a fixer upper. Books and the advice of friends will help with the refurbishment of it. It will be situated on a farm, perhaps in the country. What will this little house contain?

Feet pounding on the floor, giggles from tickling, the stumbling narrative voice of a child learning to read, a baby banging pots on the floor, the artificial crying of a doll, the clash of wooden swords, smiles between husband and wife.

This house will contain children, happy children, my children. This little house will have a little library with a little desk and a little chair; maps will cover the wall, books will line the shelves.

While the house will be small, the back yard will be immense. There will be a rose garden, a vegetable garden, a tire swing, a trampoline, a picnic table.

There will be woods in the backyard, a creek and down the street a river.

The house will be white on the outside with forest green shutters. The inside will have all white walls and photos of Christ and the Temple in every room. No clutter, no real mess just lots of open space. There will definitely be an attic. There will be a shed of decent proportions for the husband's projects.

Plenty of adventures will take place, lots of trips, lots of spontaneity, lots of photos. We will bask in the sweet, little simple things in life.

This house will contain many hearts, many sunny days, many smiles, many moments influenced by the Spirit. This house will be a house of love and growth.

That’s the ideal daydream for the future.

Valentines is a man's opportunity

Is Valentines just a female holiday? Lets think about this. What do men get out of this holiday? A lot. This is the opportunity for a man to take a relationship to a more deep level or even create a relationship.

Yes, women expect the romantic date, the chocolates (I REALLY expect this, no chocolate equals no loving), the kisses, the affection, the thoughtfulness. We expect objects and we expect your heart. But men can and do benefit from this holiday. Here's how:

Looking for a date:

This is the opportunity to score a date. Tell that girl you've been eye balling in the elevator that you don't want to spend Valentines alone and you'd rather spend it with her.

Looking for a relationship:

The man can take a date and turn it into a relationship. You've been on a few dates and tonight can be the night to turn it into something real. Take her to dinner, give her flowers and get a girlfriend.

Looking for forgiveness:

On rocky terms with the woman? Valentines offers you the opportunity to fix that problem. Show her how sorry you are and how much you love her by taking her to the spot you first met, the spot you first kissed, the spot you proposed at.

Looking for a good time:

She's feeling romantic. Wine and dine her, show her a good night and she'll probably show you a good time.

Looking to look good:

Remember Valentines ahead of time by making a reservation or planning an event this gets you points with your lady. Valentines is an opportunity to show just how thoughtful you are.

So, as you can see, men benefit from this holiday a lot more than women. The men get the opportunities. What do we get? Whatever you give us; It usually isn't much or what we want but we pretend that your good intentions mean a lot anyway.

Own a gun and health insurance or else.

Health insurance. Is it ok that our government is trying to make all of us buy health insurance?

I don't think it is. I was reading the news today and found this funny article that put it into perspective. Fox News reports that South Dakota Lawmakers are proposing a mandate for gun ownership.

But they don't expect the bill to pass, they actually expect it to fail. So why introduce it? Because they're making a different point. South Dakota is trying to show how unconstitutional it is for our government to require Americans to own health insurance. Its as foolish as making every American own a gun.

Just as requiring everyone to own a gun is unconstitutional and ridiculous, so is requiring every American to own health insurance. I see no problem with trying to make health insurance more affordable, more accessible to Americans but its not right for them to try and shove it down everyone's throats.

CNN ran a story about a federal judge in Florida striking down the health care reform law passed by Obama. His reasons were the same as South Dakotas, "Because the individual mandate is unconstitutional and not severable, the entire Act must be declared void. This has been a difficult decision to reach, and I am aware that it will have indeterminable implications," Vinson wrote, adding, "At a time when there is virtually unanimous agreement that health care reform is needed in this country, it is hard to invalidate and strike down a statute titled "The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act."

It was the Declaration of Independence that said, "they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

We have heard this quote a million times. What does it say? It says "OUR" rights. This means are own individual rights. While its ok making health insurance accessible and affordable to more people, this doesn't make it right to require people to own health insurance.

I think South Dakotas non-violent and semi-humorous move provides potential for all of us to protest the idea of government requiring us to own health insurance.