Poser? Probably.

I probably am. I feel that I have substantial reasons to be (I want you to say that in your head as though I were talking in a no-nonsense, business accent).

You ever spend your whole childhood thinking you were ugly? Thinking you were fat? Did you dress in "grandma" clothes all during middle school when you were homeschooling? Did you wear back baggy pants and big sweaters when you were in high school? Did you spend elementary school friendless? No one wanted to sit with you on the bus? You ever stand in the aisle waiting for someone to take pity on you? You ever have kids make fun of your highwaters? Call you names? Did you spend your first year of college friendless? Did you stare at a boy for four years without saying more than two words to him because you didn't feel good enough?

I did. I did all those things, except the "bringing back" part. No one wanted my style to be brought back (The last two photos are of me, these are from high school. Yes I did dress like this. Yes, those are man shorts).

I had no self-esteem but at the same time I guess I had no shame since I wore my grandmothers clothes. Self-conscious, bratty and shy were not a good combination. It took me a long time to change. A long, long time.

One look, a wink, a date and a boyfriend later and my self-esteem was on a high. I'm still trying to come down from that high. Kaitlin was beautiful. Kaitlin had a right to chase hot men.

This is where the posing took place. I could look good in my clothes, I could look good in a man's eye, I could look good in a photo. There's been lots of photos, lots of silly glam shots since I realized that there must be at least on attractive bone in my body.

Part of it is probably pride, oh, ok, a lot of it is pride. Mostly I want my kids to see photos of me in my prime. My mother has so few photos, especially since her mother lost most of them in one of her frequent moves. I never really knew what my mother looked like as a child, as a teen, as a young adult.

I want my kids to know that mommy wasn't always pregnant mommy, wasn't always tired mommy, wasn't always older mommy. All these photos I take now are my proof. I love taking photos too and so why not take photos of me? Why not let my kids see that an ugly child can turn into a mildly attractive young adult?

I'm going to continue to be a poser till I get married. Once that happens --if it ever does, then my camera won't focus on me at all; It will be all about the kids, all about the husband, all about the family.