Choking on love

You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe? I choked on the last person I loved. I bit into that apple and tried to eat its core and gagged.

My lover didn’t’ catch my breath, didn’t steal my breath, didn’t rob me of breath instead he gagged me for breath. I initially could’ve spat him out but I didn’t want to let go of the tastier parts, the initial sweetness of the fruit. Inevitably he became lodged in my throat.

I stood gasping while friends came and attempted the Heimlich but I would have none of it and I pushed them away. It wasn’t until my face turned blue that I took the chair offered my and I pushed in and up until I forced the core from my throat and forces him from my life. Since then

I’ve choked a little on spit but I’ve never lost breath. I begin to doubt if someone will ever truly take my breath away. I begin to doubt if there will ever be someone that will give and take breath from me.

Boxed in

They stuck me in a box, closed the lid, flipped it upside and down and sat on it. I kicked and screamed but to no avail. Big brothers don’t care much when their kid sister cries unless she’s bleeding or Moms within hearing distance.

While I initially kicked and screamed at this treatment, I soon learned that the trick was to pretend that it didn’t bother me. I’d sit in my prison quietly. While I was suffocating inside I would pretend their torture didn’t bother me.

There are some days where my uncertain future makes me want to kick and scream. Some days I do; I rebel. Most days I don’t. I silently suffocate inside. I ignore it though; I try to trick it away.

I find distractions and sometimes . . .oftentimes they’re not good distractions. Sometimes I bang on the piano, I stick my blades on and skate till I can’t breathe, I spend long hours at the office studying and some times I distract myself with men.

I acknowledge that my life is missing many essential qualities, I admit that my future becomes more mysterious each day and each day I change. I fight the box I’ve been placed in. I fight the confines that I and others have placed around me.

Next time someone sticks me in a box I’ll bring a knife.

This Fairy Tale is not so Stereotypical

I got a lot of angry letters because of this column I wrote for BYU-Idaho's school newspaper.

"Be not afraid of greatness; some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them,” said Shakespeare.

I wouldn’t say that greatness is being thrust upon me, but whatever is being thrown at me is something I didn’t initially want, and is something I am still trying to run from.

I’m a romantic, a fairy tale chaser. I used to believe that I’d graduate high school, go to BYU-Idaho, get married and start a family. I’d spend the rest of my life in a blind daze of happily ever after where the animals talk to me and help me with chores.

I thought I’d spend my day baking cookies, bragging about my kids, gossiping, planning elaborate Relief Society crafts and sweeping dirt under the oven. Somewhere along the way I made a huge mistake.

I should have chosen to be a family consumer science major, but I chose wrong. I decided to be a communication major. To make things worse, I started working for the newspaper here. After that things just went downhill. I made friends. I made connections from there. I became an extrovert and I enjoyed working.

I interned at a concrete company, freelanced for a local Maryland paper, I even worked at a gynecology office, and now I’ve decided to go to grad school.

I should have my masters before I’m 22, since I’ll graduate with my bachelors at 20. My friends who go to other colleges (non-LDS colleges) tell me that I have a lot going for me, that I’m super accomplished and I should go make a name for myself.

I don’t know how it all happened. How dare I give up the notion of getting married before graduating? How dare I become a menace to society? But I decided to anyway.

I’m not insulting those that are already married and I’m not discouraging those who want to get married, but I’m so happy that my fate took me in a direction that didn’t leave me married, pregnant and working to get my husband through college.

I fought tooth and nail for that privilege of marriage, but I just never wanted any of the men who wanted me and vice versa.

It seems that as a woman at “BYU-I-do” you can’t be accomplished until there’s a ring on your finger, but I disagree. I’ve fought that stereotype with the violence of a cornered raccoon, and I’ve come out of “BYU-I-do” single.

There were a lot of close calls, but I decided that I want to be single and graduate from “BYU-I-do” -which is the real accomplishment.

I’ve had this need to “be somebody” slowly, but surely, thrust upon me, and so I’ll go out into the world and do whatever it is I need to do.

Someday I’ll let some loser (because all men are losers) stick a ring through my nose, and I’ll become the stereotypical homemaking momma and be extremely happy; but for now, I choose the freedom of being single.

The Crap Load of Stuff I Plan to Do When I am Married

Goals for marriage and family

(Most of these things I am trying to incorporate in my life now and there is always room for suggestions)

For our Children and Us

· Teach them the right way from the beginning

· I want to say prayers with them the day the are born, before they even understand what praying is, so that it becomes natural to them and so their Heavenly Father is ALWAYS a known part of their life

· I want a neat an orderly home but also a fun home

· Always set a good example for them

· FHE, family prayers, prayers at all meals, Priesthood blessings are all a constant

· Christ as the center of our home

· Education tools available in all areas of our home

· Healthy and good eating habits

· Exercise, activities outside the home: playground, play dates, swimming, soccer, football, biking, hiking, karate, fun family activities

· No relying on yelling and aggression in stressful or frustrating situations

· Set goals as a family, things to work up to and work on

As husband and wife

· Scripture reading and journaling

· I want my husband and I to discuss things, communicate effectively at all times

· Set goals with my husband

· Take care of myself and he will too: annual Drs appointment, weight management, good grooming, good eating habits, dental appointments and clean and neat dress and appearance

· For me I will work when/if necessary but my main focus on the home and family and being a nurturer

· My husband should be the provider, priesthood holder, and protector in our family

· Be an active listener to my husband and children

· Go on dates with my husband weekly, keep the passion between us alive, keep him as my best friend and confidant

· Temple monthly, if not more depending on where we live and our situation

· Be selfless

· Learn our faults and mistakes and repent for them and work on them

· Consistent and complete church attendance

· Dedication to our callings

· Honesty in all our dealings

· Faithful tithing payers

· Always be bettering ourselves, gaining knowledge and trying new things

· Be able to deal with adversity and the trials that come in life in a Christ like and be willing to adapt our plans and goals to them.

Not suicidal

Closing my eyes and putting my pillow over my head used to scare the monsters away. My monsters aren’t the same anymore. They’ve transformed into something far worse, far more frightening. My monsters have become life itself.

What do I do? I’m suffocating as we speak. I never planned to be this frightened, I never planned this far ahead and I never planned to be where I am now. My life seems so shallow and empty right now. It’s filled with work, accomplishments, dreams and me—just me.

My brother was married this weekend. I never thought he’d settle down before me. How many more will fall in love and settle down before I do? How many more will get what I want most?
But of course I have to change what I want. I can’t have what I want. So I sit here and stare at the screen. I think about the forms I have to fill out, the resume that needs some loving, the homework I can’t seem to care about and the future that I can’t foresee.

I’d like to know where I will be in 10 years. I want to know just so I can prepare myself for what I fear will be a lonely 10 years.

I’m a pessimist with the attitude of an optimist. I can put on a happy face for anyone--most of the time--but inside I die.

Alone, this word frightens me more than hell. A pillow won’t stop the monsters from coming at me, from pulling me down and being objectively cruel force that they are. No amount of tears, sleep or food will chase these feelings away. There the feelings of a very mixed up child who wants nothing more than to sit in the corner, wants nothing more than to hide under her bed. But what lies waiting me under my bed.

I will press with my hand, not on the pillow I’d like to cover my face but the door that opens into the next part of my life.

No other

Lose control. Ever get caught up in the moment? I become so caught into that moment; it becomes a day, a week, a month and then my life. I find myself living from moment to moment.

I take no time to think, to reflect. My decisions, while of a mild nature, are unplanned, rash and often foolish. I throw out both of my hands and I say, “pick one.” My destiny held in one of my fists when really it’s held in an embrace.

It’s an embrace I refuse to acknowledge is there oftentimes. It’s easier to pretend, to brush it off, to forget. It’s easy to tell myself that he’s not real, he did nothing and for that I am nothing. I run from my problems, my trials, my enemies and I even run from him.

I lay the blame on him and accept the praise as my own. I acknowledge him not and for that I am often lonely, often alone. I can’t stand to be by myself, to let my thoughts provoke me for I know that if I were to look too closely I would then see a life I shouldn’t be living.

And as I sit here and let my thoughts run rampant I realize what I’ve known all along: I love him. I love him as I shall never love another. I recognize him as my light, my life, my Savior. I can’t use words, a touch to any sense or even emotion to convey this love. I love him and because I love him I shall do as he directs. If I truly love my God then I will obey him. I will obey him.

The plan begins to unfold

I've figured out my life. It's wonderful. I'm going to grad school; I'm hoping the University of Maryland but I am applying for many places. I plan to spend this upcoming semester looking for internships, applying for grad school and losing weight.

It's great to remove all distractions from my life and focus on what is important in life. No more dating. I graduate in December. No one is going to keep me pinned down in Rexburg after that. I am getting out. I need out.

I've given up men, I'm giving up junk food and I'm focusing on what is important. After I graduate in December with my Bachelors in Communication, then I plan to do an internship. While I am doing that I will work part time and get involved in the community around me.

If I can land a D.C. internship then I will be able to live at home for free while I save money. I want to spend my days in D.C. working my internship and my evenings at a Nursing Home or a Homeless Shelter. I want to serve those around me; I know I need to serve more.

I plan to get into grad school and then I plan to get out. I have set some steep goals but I'm following through with them. No one can stop me.

The only thing that could hold me back is my head. Hopefully the Doctors will figure out what is wrong with me and the dizziness will go away. I'm ready to make an impact. I'm ready to do whatever it is I am meant to do.

Once I graduate then I will work my way up to the top. I'm hoping by that time I will have a complete grasp of all the concepts that escape me at the moment. I want to help people, I want to teach them, share what the world has to offer. I want to show the worlds lies. I want to teach others to think practically and use their common sense.

Being single is a lot easier than being married. I will hopefully get a little place and pay off my school debt as quickly as possible. I want to own a little piece of property and have a beautiful rose garden. I want a porch swing, a clothes line, a little pool and a trampoline and I plan to have a pet(s). By this time I will have nieces and nephews and I will be able to dote on them too. I will always be involved with helping the community. Anything to be of service to my country and the people that surround me.

While I am doing this I also plan to re-learn Latin, learn to ride a horse, get a motorcylce license, use a camera properly, travel the world extensively, play the piano masterfully and perform as a stand-up comedian and a singer. This is my life innuce [in a nutshell]. I've already started to make it work out and I'm sure there will be even more things that I do and many trials and hardships but I have a plan.