I'm happy. I know there is always something I can fix. But I see my plans taking me places I never dreamed to go before. My perspective, once so small and narrow, has fish eyed and everything is so wide.
Let me tell you why I am happy.
First, I am beginning to get my relationship with God back in the right place. Being away taught me that I can't do it without him and yet I also can't make him do everything for me. I think many of us have this skewed idea of what God is, what he does. We see him as this person to relieve our guilt, to fix us when we feel guilt, to chase away all sorrow, all pain.
To me, that is not God. God is God. I love God. I want to please God. And so, I've decided to do what is right, what I feel inspired to feel is right. I will make God happy. I will obey the laws and guidance he's offered us and I will let his hand guide my feet where they must step next.
Second, I am getting a great education. I started graduate school at BYU about 5 months ago. I am loving it. I never understood what truly getting an education meant. Studying has become fun, work has become an intrigue. I have all these opportunities, ideas before me and I have no idea where to start but I'm excited for the direction I will soon choose to go.
Third, I have the necessary things in life. I have shelter, food, friends. I really can't complain. I am constantly offered opportunities to serve friends and family and even strangers in ways that I never even considered before.
Lastly, I have a man who loves me and I love him. I don't love him because I need to but because I choose to. I was happy with myself before and I am just as happy now, even though I know I still must grow in so many phenomenal ways. I always look forward to our adventures together. I love the perspective he offers. I love the love that he gives me. I love loving him. I love when he's happy, when he smiles. I hope to only bring good things to his life, I hope he knows that.
The relationship has been stressful, full of predicaments and obstacles but I feel that with each day, he begins to understand that I truly want to make him happy.
Anyway, this is my update. Its broad but I feel like it suits.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Unattended
I have to do,
to get you
"Do what?" you ask
I forget, I loose track
And suddenly, I remember
Its small, nothing but a tremor
all it takes is a little attention
and you survive
you rub yourself against the affection
thrive, smile and bask
but it doesn't last
and its gone
and you roam, as you wait
and wait and wait
soon you're filled with hate
you wonder, you go
I turn to find you, but where did you go?
So caught up was I
that I forgot to keep the affection of your eye
to get you
"Do what?" you ask
I forget, I loose track
And suddenly, I remember
Its small, nothing but a tremor
all it takes is a little attention
and you survive
you rub yourself against the affection
thrive, smile and bask
but it doesn't last
and its gone
and you roam, as you wait
and wait and wait
soon you're filled with hate
you wonder, you go
I turn to find you, but where did you go?
So caught up was I
that I forgot to keep the affection of your eye
Rebelling
Months before she married, her finger was down her throat, she was indecisive, she cried a lot and she lost men like a stripper loses her clothes. She made attempts at school. She made attempts at work. She made attempts at everything but nothing worked. She used religion to build a wall around her, make her look happy but she knew she wasn't.
Convinced that marriage would fix her problems, she found a victim. She was desperate for a ring. Not from the phone, but from the hands of a man who would pull it from a box and make her hand glitter, her life glitter. So, after two weeks of dating, she was engaged and a couple months later she was married.
But what did that ring really symbolize to her? Happiness? She believed it make her happy, but would it really?
The temporary fix seemed to work. So many of her friends had married and now she could join the throng. She busied herself with marriage plans: the dress, the place, the people, the gynecologist, the birth control, the idea of sex. And then she was married.
She quit school, quit her job. She decided she was going to do what so many women before her had done. She would be a stay-at-home wife (not Mom) at 21.
So sheltered. Someday, years from now she would change, she would want something else . . . hopefully. But at the moment, she was living the dream. Her husband still had at least four years of college left and she was getting sex, friends to play with, an apartment to clean, someone to cook for (even though she only knew how to rub some chicken legs in flour and seasoning and slap it on a grill -- apparently thats cooking!). She struggled little, wanted for nothing, why would she?
But what happens when she grows up? What happens when she realizes that she's done nothing to contribute to the world . . . to her future family? All she can do is throw a "positive" attitude, judgments and some religious drivel at them.
How can she be an example? She had ample opportunities and she threw them away, never focused on anything except joining the throng of seemingly happy, ringed women around her. Her shallow perspective would teach her daughters that all they need to do is look pretty and get married.
Her young, judgmental attitude would drive away friends, family and children.
What went wrong? Oddly enough, marriage made this scenario what it is. A young woman whose mother told her she was never good enough, unless she looked perfect, acted perfect. A mother who discouraged her from dating short, "unattractive" guys and a mother who preached her version of the Gospel to a young, naive daughter.
My point, GET A GRIP! Women are getting married so young that they don't give themselves a chance to truly become one with themselves and God. Marriage is great . . . at the right time and at the right place.
BUT marriage will not fix all your problems. You don't become literally "sealed" to your spouse. You have to be able to function, bring something to contribute. So, women, get a grip on yourself, get your head out of men's butts and learn to think for yourself, be happy with yourself, do something to make you who you need to be.
Marriage isn't an escape! Its an opportunity to become even better. Remember that.
Don't marry someone when you're not happy with your life, when you're depressed; that temporary fix won't work. You need to learn to be happy with yourself first, learn to explore the world, to be non-judgmental.
Convinced that marriage would fix her problems, she found a victim. She was desperate for a ring. Not from the phone, but from the hands of a man who would pull it from a box and make her hand glitter, her life glitter. So, after two weeks of dating, she was engaged and a couple months later she was married.
But what did that ring really symbolize to her? Happiness? She believed it make her happy, but would it really?
The temporary fix seemed to work. So many of her friends had married and now she could join the throng. She busied herself with marriage plans: the dress, the place, the people, the gynecologist, the birth control, the idea of sex. And then she was married.
She quit school, quit her job. She decided she was going to do what so many women before her had done. She would be a stay-at-home wife (not Mom) at 21.
So sheltered. Someday, years from now she would change, she would want something else . . . hopefully. But at the moment, she was living the dream. Her husband still had at least four years of college left and she was getting sex, friends to play with, an apartment to clean, someone to cook for (even though she only knew how to rub some chicken legs in flour and seasoning and slap it on a grill -- apparently thats cooking!). She struggled little, wanted for nothing, why would she?
But what happens when she grows up? What happens when she realizes that she's done nothing to contribute to the world . . . to her future family? All she can do is throw a "positive" attitude, judgments and some religious drivel at them.
How can she be an example? She had ample opportunities and she threw them away, never focused on anything except joining the throng of seemingly happy, ringed women around her. Her shallow perspective would teach her daughters that all they need to do is look pretty and get married.
Her young, judgmental attitude would drive away friends, family and children.
What went wrong? Oddly enough, marriage made this scenario what it is. A young woman whose mother told her she was never good enough, unless she looked perfect, acted perfect. A mother who discouraged her from dating short, "unattractive" guys and a mother who preached her version of the Gospel to a young, naive daughter.
My point, GET A GRIP! Women are getting married so young that they don't give themselves a chance to truly become one with themselves and God. Marriage is great . . . at the right time and at the right place.
BUT marriage will not fix all your problems. You don't become literally "sealed" to your spouse. You have to be able to function, bring something to contribute. So, women, get a grip on yourself, get your head out of men's butts and learn to think for yourself, be happy with yourself, do something to make you who you need to be.
Marriage isn't an escape! Its an opportunity to become even better. Remember that.
Don't marry someone when you're not happy with your life, when you're depressed; that temporary fix won't work. You need to learn to be happy with yourself first, learn to explore the world, to be non-judgmental.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I speak the truth . . . marriage can be . . . bleh
I find myself trying to understand how a person can give up all the men in the world, except one, for the rest of their life. I hear things like, "when you know, you know" or "when its right, its right." I think this theory is garbage.
It had nothing to do with timing; lightning didn't strike the first time your eyes met and there were no pointed arrows sticking you in the bum.
I feel like Cary Grant at the beggining of Arsenic and Old Lace, I am a cynic when it comes to marriage. I think women and men give up too much when they get married too young. I hear so many women say they wish they had stayed single longer. Why? Because its great, for an adequate amount of time--when I say adequate, I mean 25 or older. I can think of 17 wrong reasons for why people get married, but they will swear up and down that none of these are the reason when really it is. A lot of these reasons are reasons for why I considered marrying men in the past, but don't worry I didn't.
1) Just like when you've had one too many shots, you've been dumped so many times that your vision has become blurred and your judgment is skewed
*2) You're young and still believe in "happily ever after." You've know him for two weeks and you just know that he's "the one." Preconceived notions like this immediately put blinders on you. You'll justify all the things you hate about him because you knew from the beginning it was "right." I can almost guarantee that in five years you'll be divorced or wishing to be.
**3) He's hot.
4) and you're not. You know that he's BETTER than you, so you convince yourself to marry him.
*5) The physical stuff is GREAT. Holding hands, kissing, lust . . . chains, whips, whatever. All this is great and so when he constantly criticizes you its OK because he knows how to hold you just right.
6) You don't know how to dump him. You can't leave him, he's been hurt so many times before.
********7) He's loaded (This IS a good reason, to me)
8) You're lonely (aka desperate)
9) You're ready to make a baby or at least practice . . .
10) which leads to, you're bored. Get married and there will be sex and someone to listen to your mindless rambling, every night and day.
*11) You're not happy, so you think marriage will fix it. You need to fix your hell before you bring someone else into it.
12) You think its the "righteous thing to do." Getting married early doesn't make you more righteous or "better"
13) You've done everything else, why not try something new?
14) You want to wear a beautiful dress.
*13) You can concentrate on other things besides dating when you're married
*14) Protection, they make you feel safe
15) Marriage makes you happy . . . since when?
*16) LOVE (aka LUST)
*17) Everyone else is doing it . . . (there is a pun in there)
It had nothing to do with timing; lightning didn't strike the first time your eyes met and there were no pointed arrows sticking you in the bum.
I feel like Cary Grant at the beggining of Arsenic and Old Lace, I am a cynic when it comes to marriage. I think women and men give up too much when they get married too young. I hear so many women say they wish they had stayed single longer. Why? Because its great, for an adequate amount of time--when I say adequate, I mean 25 or older. I can think of 17 wrong reasons for why people get married, but they will swear up and down that none of these are the reason when really it is. A lot of these reasons are reasons for why I considered marrying men in the past, but don't worry I didn't.
1) Just like when you've had one too many shots, you've been dumped so many times that your vision has become blurred and your judgment is skewed
*2) You're young and still believe in "happily ever after." You've know him for two weeks and you just know that he's "the one." Preconceived notions like this immediately put blinders on you. You'll justify all the things you hate about him because you knew from the beginning it was "right." I can almost guarantee that in five years you'll be divorced or wishing to be.
**3) He's hot.
4) and you're not. You know that he's BETTER than you, so you convince yourself to marry him.
*5) The physical stuff is GREAT. Holding hands, kissing, lust . . . chains, whips, whatever. All this is great and so when he constantly criticizes you its OK because he knows how to hold you just right.
6) You don't know how to dump him. You can't leave him, he's been hurt so many times before.
********7) He's loaded (This IS a good reason, to me)
8) You're lonely (aka desperate)
9) You're ready to make a baby or at least practice . . .
10) which leads to, you're bored. Get married and there will be sex and someone to listen to your mindless rambling, every night and day.
*11) You're not happy, so you think marriage will fix it. You need to fix your hell before you bring someone else into it.
12) You think its the "righteous thing to do." Getting married early doesn't make you more righteous or "better"
13) You've done everything else, why not try something new?
14) You want to wear a beautiful dress.
*13) You can concentrate on other things besides dating when you're married
*14) Protection, they make you feel safe
15) Marriage makes you happy . . . since when?
*16) LOVE (aka LUST)
*17) Everyone else is doing it . . . (there is a pun in there)
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
What is water?
It sprays me, I sip it, I splash
There’s plenty of this stuff
No one will take it away from me or
Say, “no more, there isn’t enough”
So, I sip some more
Think nothing of it
While she cups it
Licks it
And then she wakes
To the swollen stomach and she shakes
And they cry, “there is no more, there isn’t enough”
Chained
The muzzle chokes, no more nuzzles for this wolf,
No more pack filled, chilled night, no more howling at the moon
Instead I lurk in this never-ending gloom
The glitter of stars upon my teeth is no more
Instead there’s scraps and rotten gore
And I swallow, the fur of others in my throat
I hack, I cough, I choke
The chain around my neck tightens
And I fall, its been so long since I walked, and now I crawl
The rapture of capture
I see this beginning as it ends
The heart of the wild within, it spends
And I pull, I twist, the chain is tighter
The moon, behind my eyes, grows brighter
And this wild heart of mine dies
My spirit in me gasps, it flies
No more pack filled, chilled night, no more howling at the moon
Instead I lurk in this never-ending gloom
The glitter of stars upon my teeth is no more
Instead there’s scraps and rotten gore
And I swallow, the fur of others in my throat
I hack, I cough, I choke
The chain around my neck tightens
And I fall, its been so long since I walked, and now I crawl
The rapture of capture
I see this beginning as it ends
The heart of the wild within, it spends
And I pull, I twist, the chain is tighter
The moon, behind my eyes, grows brighter
And this wild heart of mine dies
My spirit in me gasps, it flies
Saturday, September 3, 2011
I HATE DOGS
I pull out the vacuum. The sun shines on the floor, the dog hair is illuminated. And suddenly, everything is illuminated. If I choose this life I will be vacuuming up dog hair for the rest of my life.
When did dog hair bring such clarity to life? I guess it really wasn't the dog hair, it was the dog. I look to the future.
I can't stand the idea of putting my baby on the floor where a dog was just drooling, licking their junk, scratching themselves.
Sometimes I breathe and I can feel the hair in my throat. I drop an article of clothing on the floor and its ruined because its coated in dog hair. But, is it just the hair? No, its the smell, the smell of a dog that hasn't been properly groomed, ever. Revolting.
I hate when he watches us eat, I hate the twin strings of drool that form at the side of his mouth and slowly make their way down to the floor. I hate when the strings of drool get wiped on the floor, the couch or worse me. I hate walking on the floor barefoot, knowing that he's drooled pretty much everywhere and now its crusted on the carpet.
I hate cleaning up the accidents in the house. There are a million other things I could complain about but the point is, I hate dogs. I've fought saying that for years. I know how it offends so many to hear those words.
How could I hate mans best friend? Well, he ain't my best friend. So, they may be a man's best friend but who cleans up the dogs hair, cleans up his vomit? Not the man, that's for sure.
People will probably stop talking to me because I'm an awful person, a heartless person. But why would I love dogs? There are more reasons for me to hate them than to love them.
Not only are they disgusting but we waste millions of dollars on our dog every year. Dogs are a waste of money, a waste of space, just a waste. The end.
When did dog hair bring such clarity to life? I guess it really wasn't the dog hair, it was the dog. I look to the future.
I can't stand the idea of putting my baby on the floor where a dog was just drooling, licking their junk, scratching themselves.
Sometimes I breathe and I can feel the hair in my throat. I drop an article of clothing on the floor and its ruined because its coated in dog hair. But, is it just the hair? No, its the smell, the smell of a dog that hasn't been properly groomed, ever. Revolting.
I hate when he watches us eat, I hate the twin strings of drool that form at the side of his mouth and slowly make their way down to the floor. I hate when the strings of drool get wiped on the floor, the couch or worse me. I hate walking on the floor barefoot, knowing that he's drooled pretty much everywhere and now its crusted on the carpet.
I hate cleaning up the accidents in the house. There are a million other things I could complain about but the point is, I hate dogs. I've fought saying that for years. I know how it offends so many to hear those words.
How could I hate mans best friend? Well, he ain't my best friend. So, they may be a man's best friend but who cleans up the dogs hair, cleans up his vomit? Not the man, that's for sure.
People will probably stop talking to me because I'm an awful person, a heartless person. But why would I love dogs? There are more reasons for me to hate them than to love them.
Not only are they disgusting but we waste millions of dollars on our dog every year. Dogs are a waste of money, a waste of space, just a waste. The end.
I, a rose
Once beautiful closed,
Still beautiful open.
A breath of something new, but always familiar.
It sprays the air.
The breath, my breath . . . I, a rose,
Arose into the air.
And I breathe, inhale.
I begin to fall, to fail,
But I breathe again, air is in, air is tight
And then there is light.
The unfurling of petals
The buzz above me, they touch me, take me.
The rain is cold, feels right
I live on, yet I die
And spring comes, I sigh
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