Feeling ungrateful? Maybe you're diseased or you may just need a snickers.

Yep. I'm just an ungrateful brat these days. I really have no reason to complain, but thats all I do. You ever feel as though life will never be satisfying enough? Yeah, I do--and no, I'm not a recovering drug attic.

I just wanted a boyfriend; I just wanted a husband; I just wanted a house; I just wanted a nice car; I just wanted a full time job ... I just wanted a baby, I just wanted to be happy. I just want, want, want. And then I get, get, get, but what do I give?

Is this really the life pattern I WANT? Want? Theres that word again. Why can't I just be happy with what I have. I just scored a sweet job working with the best and brightest people.

Does anyone else struggle with careoitis? I just made up a disorder, look it up, its Latin; therefore, it is legit. Its the latin word for want. I'm diseased with wanting. (Warning, I may be contagious, continue at your own peril.

I worry that I'm going to spend the rest of my life wanting, I guess its better than lethargitis--latin word for apathy. I guess its good that I care about something, rather than just not caring about anything.

I guess I should say that I suffer from concupiscitis, thats Latin for covetous.

I mean why can't I just happily live the ideal life that was hammered into my brain from a young age: get married, have babies, be a homemaker.

Its probably because I'm a lazy git. I can't keep my house clean, cook dinner, or do ballet ... naked, in the rain ... not sure how the latter is relevant, but it sounds like it would take work.

I mean, if I was given the opportunity to be a homemaker, I'd probably burn the house down ... with the kid in it--thats an exaggeration ... maybe... I'll let you figure it out.

Maybe I suffer from inadequetitis--it means to suffer from feelings of inadequacy. I've been told my self-esteem is below par ... what the hell? How is that supposed to help me? Why don't you compliment me, not tell me that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself ... golly gee, you don't think I already know that? Pigs.

If you've made it this far in this pathetic attempt at blogging--theres that inadequetitis shining through--please share if you suffer from any of these diseases.

Its mostly likely that I'm just a hypochondriac.

The nothingness

I have nothing to write here. I have no photos to post. Many times I've opened a new post, typed a few words and walked away. Someone want to give me something to write about? I've got nothing. I guess marriage has sucked me dry of creativity and wit. I'm tired now.

Mistakes I made applying to a PHD program

So, I didn't get into a PHD program this year. I only applied to five schools and two of those had an acceptance rate of about two percent or less. I want to share where I went wrong. I want to tell you the mistakes I made when applying to a PHD program and what you can do to get in the first time.


GRE--

Retake the GRE, if your scores are low or average.

Alrighty, I had good scores, they met each schools qualifications but I'd say they weren't good enough. You want to score above the schools qualifying scores. The higher the scores, the better. 

Set aside time to study for the GRE, and use all your resources--books, online etc.




FOCUS--

Make sure your application is focused.

I applied with a very broad focus. I didn't know who I wanted to study with and what I wanted my focus to be. This was probably one of the greatest flaws in my application. How are they going to give me a mentor faculty member when they can't figure out what it is that I want to do?

Make sure that you specify what your research focus is and why they're school is a match for you. Identify who you want to study with. 

Have a strong focus and a strong background with that focus. This brings me to my next point.

PUBLICATION--

Try your hardest to have something published before you apply.

Try and be published, try to participate in a conference. Make sure your name is on the web. Make sure you've made an impression with the schools you've attended.

Either work to have your work published individually or at least work with a professor to get something published--work on getting that professional byline. 


NETWORKING/CONNECTION--

Network. Use those connections from undergrad and masters.

Ask your bachelors or masters professors that you worked closely with where they went for their masters and PhD. Ask them to write your recommendation for you, if you apply to the school that they went to.

If you know a big name, don't be afraid to drop it, don't be afraid to ask them for a letter of recommendation.

Make sure you make a connection with the faculty at the school you are applying to. Whether its through your application or if you start emailing or calling them about their program before you apply. I wouldn't be afraid to get in touch with the person you are hoping to do research with.

AGE/EXPERIENCE--

Age doesn't matter but experience is crucial.

I thought that being young, being a go-getter would give me a boost. It didn't. If you're young, don't try to use the youth card to your advantage. It doesn't work, if anything it will hamper your chances of getting in.

But don't be afraid to emphasize your experience in the work world and the academic world. Experience counts for a lot. Make sure you are involved in your school, your community and all other facets of your life.

Maybe this was all brain dead stuff for you, but I didn't think about this crap until it was too late. Talk to your professors now. Don't be afraid to ask them and others with similar backgrounds to yours for advice.

Hopefully this blog post will give you a better chance of getting into a PHD program the first time.

The reasons I love him: Seeing past the small things

How could anyone not love this handsome face? I feel so lucky when I realize that its me he loves more than any other mortal on this earth.

We fight. There are a lot of differences, annoyances, etc. I often forget the reasons I love him. I often write the reasons why I SOOO want to hate him. But, when I look at this picture of my husband, I don't want to fight anymore, I remember the reasons I love him far out weigh the reasons I can't stand him.

I think of how gentle he was last night. I lay crying in my bed. I was upset and disappointed in myself. He held me. He rubbed my back. He told me he loved me. He told me he was proud of me. He made my sadness melt away.

I was disappointed that I still hadn't heard back from schools and Brandon looked at me and said "I have a strong feeling you'll get in. How could you not?"

It was a sweet moment because he does not necessarily want me to get into a school that would take us away from his comfort zone--Utah. But his words were sincere.

Its in those sincere, giving, trusting moments that I am overwhelmed with good emotions for this man that I married. When he lays his head on my chest and confides in me, when he helps all those around him--whether he likes them or not--when he always reaches for my hand, when he talks about church.

I feel like I concentrate so much on the negative that I don't give this man enough credit. His brilliance, his dedication, his love: I don' talk about these things enough.

I feel so lucky. I feel so blessed to be able to spend the rest of my life and someday eternity with this man that I love. I must remember to remember the reasons I love him so much.

Limbo ... painful and enjoyable

Home remodel

Our new chicks

I've been thinking a lot about my academic/career future. I want so bad to have a stable, decent paying job or I want to get into a PhD program.

Modeling, self portrait, a little photoshop

The waiting is killing me. Why is it taking so long? I should've heard back by now, its almost April.  I've been checking the mail like crazy, even when I know the mail hasn't come yet. And then the thoughts of paranoia come. I start thinking about how my neighbors or some homeless person from the shelter down the street could've stolen my acceptance letter. And the longer it takes the more I  feel a washed in self doubt and low self esteem.

Is this some kind of disease? Has anyone else been afflicted by this epidemic?

I've applied to about ten jobs that I am highly qualified for in the past month, and I've heard nothing so far ... yet again, something else that makes me constantly check the mail.

Is it my resume? My gender? My face? A typo? 

I keep kicking myself, wondering whats wrong with me. Maybe I've chosen the wrong career, maybe God wants me to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen right now, maybe I'm supposed to be dead, but I keep missing the bus that's supposed to hit me. Who can say?

To make life even more complicated, I also had to push my graduation back till June. My thesis is basically done but my department changed our winter deadlines without telling us and so I just couldn't finish things on time.

I didn't realize how much it would suck to finish something late, until I started to seeing everyone talking on Facebook about finishing their masters degree next month. Stupid Facebook. I should delete that thing again but there are so many cute babies and delicious recipes--not recipes for babies, but for food ... I just wanted to clear that up.

I've used the past month to complete some home construction on our house and my husbands other house. I've made dump runs, learned to rivet things. I am currently making homemade curtain rods. The past month has been fun, but in the back of mind there is always the jobless thoughts, the academic failure thoughts.

But I am going to be positive. I was also able to work on my photography skills, my website, my husbands upcoming home inspection website, my wardrobe and I am going to start taking voice lessons next week.

I've also joined CERT, where have learned basic emergency preparedness and medical and rescue techniques for when Utah is shook up by an earthquake or terrorist attack. We also bought chicks and plan to build a chicken coup in the back yard. Crazy.

We're planning to visit Washington in the next month and I am going to learn to ride a horse at Brandon's uncle's ranch.

I guess I am doing a lot right now in regards to my career future but I am learning a lot and having a lot of fun.

The woes and pros of life

Oh, why did I do grad school? I sometimes wonder what someone slipped into my drink to make me take all this on. I don't know what I was thinking, but I know I'm not thinking it now.

Friday I take a comprehensive final that encompasses all that I've learned the past two years. No big deal. By February 15, I have to have 10 interviews transcribed, coded and added to a first draft submission of my thesis. No pressure.

I have to wait about two more months before I find out if I am going to school for another three, so I can get a PhD. My life is in limbo.

I REALLY want to graduate in April and I if I don't, then I feel like I am a failure. I also want to get accepted into graduate school and get a sweet teaching offer along with it.

I also feel like the inversion is making me sicker and sicker. My house looks like a bomb in it and I put on seven pounds in the past two weeks.

But, on a more positive not, I did score an amazing digital piano for a pittance. I will be able to start composing more. I want to get some music transposing software. There are other great things happening in life too.

We went to Maryland for Christmas, my mother came out to take Emily to school and visit me. We are most likely going to be able to go home this summer and we'll be able to see John and Amber's new baby. There are still great things happening in life but its hard to enjoy those when there is so much to fear. The end.