The blah of my life

It's already November. I thought I would update the blog, because my life is just that exciting.

Just a FEW more days until elections. I won't lie, I am so fidgety about all of it. I could barely handle watching the debates, and now, I don't think I can handle watching, reading or listening the news any more.

I've been listening to talk radio a lot--Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh--and the race seems tight--even thought the media loves to hammer on Governor Mitt Romney and not President Barack Obama. I won't say anymore about politics, or try not to at least, but can anyone else feel the tension sizzling in the political world or am I the only one pulling at the sweaty collar of my shirt?

Emily joined our household last week. She's been motivating me to get some family history done and do some volunteering. She managed to land a job her first day here working at City Creek's Chik-fil-a.

Brandon and I are still studying like crazy. I finally received IRB approval and can officially start doing interviews for my Thesis. I'm so stinking nervous about all of it. The moment is finally here and it only took what felt like a lifetime to get there. I guess I need to call my first source and set up an interview, but jeepers I'm nervous.

I take the GRE on November 27, then I have to start studying for my comprehensive exam, one of the final steps I take to graduate from BYU. I also have to submit applications for PhD programs. I'm still not sure if I want to go for the PhD, but it doesn't hurt to apply, right? Yikes spikes.

We both caught some flu bug this weekend and we've been holed up in the house with a headache, stuffy nose and sore throat.

We probably caught it from our friend's kids. They come to visit every now and sleepover when we have Michael. It makes his stay a lot easier for all of us and I love having the extra kids. I'm not used to having just one kid, I prefer at least three around.

Thoughts of how I will help guide my kids through life have been swimming through my head a lot recently. Michael has been a sort of ginny pig for me. He's helped me understand what I need to teach my kids, and what habits we need to have established before all em' babies start popping out of me--that won't be for a couple years, I know you people like to ask, so now you don't have to ... butt heads.

We made a homemade slide for the toy soldiers out of a roll of old receipt paper

Michael pushing Chantel on the swing

Brandon likes to spoil the dog; there is a space heater right next to Tucker, you just can't see it. 

Cat loves to hang off the bed. 

October Update

Benefits of music -Best week of marriage so far -Emily coming out to visit -Preparing to apply for PhD
 
I love touting my opinion on these blog posts. I love taking all the passionate anger the urks my soul and spitting it randomnly in these posts.

But, since I have deleted my Facebook, I would like to add update posts on here as to what has been happening in my life. Some crazy big changes have recently happened. First off, I bought an iphone. I'm so glad I deleted my Facebook weeks before I bought the phone. I don't have to worry as much about being so involved with technology that it detracts from all the greater things in life.

I did download Instagram but I mostly just use it to take cool pictures, not talk to network. Isn't my husband sexy? I love seeing tools in his hands. Our cats adorable too. Did I mention that I bought a cat? I guess that is a post for another day.

I mostly bought the phone so that I could use the recording software on there for when I start doing interviews for the thesis I've been working on. I can't believe the masters will be done in April. Its going way too fast, but I'm actually really enjoying this semester. I get to research Kennedy's death and read primary source documents.

I also get to start applying for PhD programs. I don't actually think I'll get in, especially since I'm only applying for two--University of Utah and University of Maryland--but who knows. I retake the GRE next month. I've already started studying. I think I may teach college some day. I'm not for certain, but I  hear that mothers with a background in higher education do a great job raising children--we'll have to see about that in a few years.

Brandon is going to enroll at SLCC in January and start a full course load. We're pretty excited about it. We're both currently doing a lot of studying and brushing up on things.

Marriage has really been great the past few weeks. I think I finally understand why people do it. Its great to be loved and love.

We'll have another temporary addition to the family in a couple weeks. Emily, my 18-year-old sister, is coming to live with us till Christmas. As you may already know, Sam, my 16-year-old little brother, came and stayed with us this summer and that was enjoyable, so we are looking forward to doing it again.

Those are our update. Some big things are coming up and we'll see where they take us!

Time may change me

I won't lie. Life is really hard right now. I've been going through some personal things that would make a nun swear. It sucks. It really, really sucks. I went five years without crying, not once--except when a friend died. And now, I cry all the time. I'm a basket case. Its embarrassing. I find myself stressed, anxious and depressed for no real reason--there is a reason, I just don't like to get personal on here. I cried in the grocery store yesterday, I had to put my sunglasses on to hide the tears. My husband should've been embarrassed but instead he held me, helped me laugh it off and then took me home. I couldn't even watch most of the presidential debate a couple days ago, because the tension was killing me, making me highly anxious. I went in the bedroom and watched a sitcom. I have to admit though, I listened to the debate after when I heard it was a success for a certain candidate and I enjoyed every minute. I remember when there was a time that I had absolutely no involvement in politics and now I find the upcoming elections have me really worried. A lot of my involvement has to do with an involved husband. I'm so impressed by him. He's always reading the news, listening to talk radio and trying to understand all sides of an issues before making a judgment. He's taught me to do that with every aspect of my life: politics, religion, health, family, education. I question things a lot more and I learn a lot more. He's been a real blessing through all of these new, unforeseen issues. When I start to feel dark, he always seems to lighten them up. I am thankful for that. I'm thankful that I married an older, more mature man who supports me when things get tough and I go a little crazy. It really makes all the difference. But enough of all this mushy crap. Men are pigs. Note: I did try and put this in paragraphs, but the stupid computer wouldn't let me.

Deleting Facebook and restoring life

I deleted the Facebook two weeks ago. I bought an iphone two days ago. I am glad that I deleted the Facebook, before I bought the iphone. I could see some serious issues coming up if I still had the Facebook and the iphone. 

I noticed a lot of problems that arose within myself over the four years I had Facebook. I was jealous. I was able to breed that jealousy to a distinct low by surfing through the photos, success stories and marriage proposal updates that appeared on my Facebook everyday. 

I kept telling myself, "you'll get rid of Facebook as soon as ... " or "you need Facebook, you're a Comms major, its inevitable." 

It wasn't inevitable, it was destructive. It took away my time, creativity, and love for those around me. Facebook gave me a life, only to take it away by sucking me into, making Facebook the central focus of every aspect, every facet of my life. 

Who created Facebook? Who ran Facebook? Some guy name Mark Zuckerburg. Was I now letting some punk kid run my life? He must feel extremely powerful.

I was giving everyone access to my photos, my friends, my personal thoughts and feelings. The mystery of my life ... oh wait, there was no mystery. And the mystery of those I didn't communicate with any longer wasn't a mystery either. 

I thought at first that I liked this. And I did. I loved it when I was single. It gave the shy girl the ability to open up to others and get dates, lots of dates. But I found myself depending on it for excitement, depending on it to get to know others and I found that it kept disappointing me. 

Why? 

Because you really can't get to know a person through Facebook. I mean, you can get to know their ego, get to know what about them they like the most ... since that is the only thing they're going to post. But you can't get to know them as an individual. 

I began to see people as a downward or upward comparison. They were either better than me and I secretly hated them or they were worse off than me and I felt sorry for them. 

I didn't want to feel this way. I didn't want others to feel this way about me. 

So, I took myself away to save myself and yourself from the jealousy or pity that I create within you and you created within myself.

Some would point out that Facebook doesn't affect them, that they have no special ties to it ... but those are men, and they lack emotion anyway.

First few months of marriage

Lindsay took some amazing photos of us. The weather was stormy but it made for a nice shot. 

I feel like a model in this picture. 

So, we've been married for almost four month now. We're kinda old news, its true. I feel like we've been married for years and I feel like we're not married at all.

There are already moments when marriage is very difficult, very complicated, but there are also moments where it is all completely worth it.

I find myself very blessed to have a man like Brandon in my life. He makes me think about my opinions, my decisions, my feelings. I do a lot more soul searching, more than I ever did before.

We've recently hit a point where we don't always know what we should be doing with our evenings. Both of us love being productive but you can't be productive all the time, right? So, yesterday I put a bunch of date ideas together, tour them into strips and threw them in a jar. Now when we are at a loss for what to do, we'll just go by the jar.

You should see some of my brilliant date ideas; although, I think Brandon may have suggested the best of them all. One of these days we're going to jump on tracks and see where it takes us, and then we'll pick a random hotel to spend the night at. Sounds like a blast, right?

We're volunteering this weekend to clean up after some convention they are doing for True Value. We're pretty excited about it, since its with the Habitat for Humanity and we've spent a good deal of time with our friends at the Salt Lake City Habitat Restore.

On Sunday we have to figure out if we want to get up and try going to the ward that we're are supposed to be going to now or keep attending the one that is just as close, which we've been attending for a year now. We're tempted to at least check out the other ward, especially since the Bishop and relief society president live on our street.

Marriage has really been great though. I'd write more, but there isn't enough space to express the first few months of our marriage. I'll just start trying to update this from now on. Peace.

I'm going there someday

This is my favorite of the wedding photos.

It was the morning of my wedding reception in Maryland and the text I received didn’t shock me, it only reinforced that nagging feelings I had felt over the past months.

He couldn’t come to my reception because it felt blasphemous supporting someone who was a member and had married outside of the Temple--that was the gist of the text. Of course, I didn’t really think that any one entirely blew off my wedding because I wasn’t married in the temple, but I am sure it influenced their decision in whether or not they should come.

You may be thinking that the text reinforced some upset I may have had because I wasn’t married in the temple. It didn’t.

I knew there were people who disapproved of my decisions, they judged without really understanding what they judged. I forgave them. Many probably assumed that we just weren’t morally worthy of the temple at that time. Many wondered, few knew and hardly any understood.

I felt fear and angst when I first thought of marrying outside of the temple. It was a year ago that I sat in my friends house and explained how I couldn’t move past that barrier. I felt fear and angst because I didn’t look forward to silent disapproval that would come from friends and family, from those I thought unconditionally loved me. I finally realized that I loved Brandon and I was OK with marrying outside of the temple … for now, of course.

I knew that I while I had excelled in the realm of education and career, I had a lagged in my spiritual progression. I knew the Church was true, I was active, I had a testimony, but the true umph was missing. I was working from habit.

I also knew that my husband was not ready to make those covenants again, not after his experiences in the past, experiences that still left a bitter taste in his mouth. I knew that forcing Brandon and myself to do something that we weren’t wholeheartedly ready for was wrong, but I also knew that foregoing marriage to Brandon because we couldn’t marry in the temple was wrong.

Right before Brandon proposed I felt a certain peace whenever I thought of marrying Brandon. So, when Brandon proposed, I said yes. For a while in the engagement I didn’t feel worthy of a true wedding. I felt that my friends would think I was blasphemous. Again, I was letting what other’s thought influence my feelings and actions.

Bu I decided to have the wedding. Going to BYU and being engaged was awkward, and hose feelings of inferiority I experienced intensified.

I kept getting the question, “What temple are you getting married in?” and my reply “I’m not.”

I also had to explain to my 14/15 year old Sunday School class that I wasn’t going to the Temple.

“Why,” a bunch of boys asked, only to be chastised by the girls for asking rude questions, but I explained the scenario with the composure of a long cool woman in a black dress.

I had many friends ask me if I knew what I was doing and I know I had friends who didn’t think I knew what I was doing. But I am happy with my choices. I am happy with my actions. I am happy that I decided to wait before entering the temple.

I look forward to the day when I can enter the House of the Lord. I am happy that I waited.

I really am going to start writing on here again

So, I’m just going to bite the bullet and start writing on here. If I end up not liking any of my posts, then I can always go back and delete them, right? Yes, of course.

I guess this is no longer the blog of a pretty woman. I am now married and the cool last name comments are gone. The only comments I shall receive are comments about spelling. Blargghh. I am not looking forward to that, at all.

I spent years trying to tell people that my last name wasn’t Pettyman, and that you didn’t have to try and use a French accent to pronounce it. I don’t get that anymore. I also spent years listening to people say that I was either a pretty woman or and ugly woman … haha to the latter, you are just so funny, because I’ve never heard that one before.

Is this post boring? Do you want to know what would make it even more boring? Marriage. Fruh? Where did that come from? Not my butt, that is for sure. 

Pulling a wedding together lickety-split

I'm getting married in just a few days. My parents will be here today. I have no decorations or anything planned for the wedding. I simply know where the wedding and the reception will be and that is it. I am not the greatest wedding planner. Luckily my roommates in Sandy have enlisted in this trial with me and we will be working on everything next week.

I feel like I should post something. I guess I should share feelings but I think I will just share the logistics of everything going on right now in my head.

My look--Make-up, hair, dress
So far, I have myself under control. Sage fixed my hair and now it looks natural, I look believably blonde.
Hylee has been practicing on my hair and I am thinking BIG hair. I have this dream of looking like Nanny Fine from The Nanny. I have make up. I've been practicing my make up. I have my wedding dress and everything that goes with that--shoes, jewelry, petticoat, corset. I am pretty much taken care ... although I do wish my arms would shrink and I could afford Steve Madden shoes.

His Look
He has a suit. That is about it. We don't have a wedding ring or a shirt to go under the suit. We don't even have shoes.

Their Look
Umm I have people that are coming to stand up with me, possibly. Kevin and Sage may be. We shall see. Brandon is not into ceremonies and he is not into the idea of people standing up with me.


Decorations 
Yeah, I'm figuring those out tomorrow. I have centerpieces and napkins. The center piece is just going to be a bowl of lemons, some sparkling water in a pretty bottle, plain battery-powered candles and maybe some sugar packets or bowls of sugar. I also found someone to lend me some white tablecloths.

We will be setting up the decorations on Friday, hopefully. The wedding ceremony will be set up an hour before the wedding. I am also working on a slideshow of Brandon and I.

Cleaning 
The house is immaculate and is waiting for my parents to show up today. I am proud of myself, the car practically sparkles too.


Photos
I am going to hand my camera to a friend and let them snap photos at the wedding.

Music
I will be putting together a playlist today.


Honeymoon
Can you believe that some awesome friends of ours paid for us to go the Marriott on Saturday night in Park City?!?! I am excited.

Family/Friends/Guests
Hopefully they will be there.

My toppling ant-infested cake of a life

For the past few months I’ve felt so unaccomplished. I’ve been doing everything in the fast lane and suddenly I wish to slow down. I wish nothing more than to slow down.

I don’t think I can.

I’ve done so many things, been so many things for so long that I can’t seem to stop and yet, I feel like the things I produce are lacking, I feel as though I am lacking. I’m almost 22. I started college at 17, I graduated college at 20, started my masters at 21 and through all of that I’ve worked and worked and worked and I’ve pushed and pushed and pushed and I’ve dated and dated and dated and now I am marrying.

It is no wonder that I’ve found my work lacking these past two semesters of graduate school. I often wonder if I was ready for all of this.

And when you throw a wedding on top of my leaning, poorly frosted cake of accomplishments then what do you get? You get a smashed cake with ants crawling through it.

My life is just an ant-infested cake.

Oh and I am trying to move into a new home, trying to hold the attention of a Sunday school class full of pubescent teenagers, trying to think of ways to advertise my fiance’s business, trying to lose ten pounds, trying to clean up after four dogs and five adults and I am trying to finish my prospectus so I can graduate early and start providing for my family; this list can go on and on and on and on.

I want to explode. This cannot be normal. The ants in my cake better watch out because my cake may have a bomb in it.

And when the cake explodes, then the house will catch on fire. And where will I be then? I would be a woman with an exploded ant-infested cake in a burning house.

My tail feathers are on fire, someone please dump a bucket of water on me. Thanks.

I need to go buy something.

No. He’s not my brother

My situation is a little unique. In two months I will become a wife … and a step mother. I’m 21- years-old and he’s nine-years-old. Let me draw you a little picture.

9 => 21 => 32

What does this mean to you? Not much. It didn’t mean much to me, until a little over a year ago. Michael is 9, I am 21 and Brandon is 32. Michael and I are 12 years apart and Brandon and I are about 11 years about.

Yep. Almost an even split.

I went looking for a wedding dress the other day and I brought Michael along, so I wouldn’t have to go alone. My consultant asks “Is it just your brother with you today?”

Yeeeeaaaahhhhhhhh, he’s not my brother, he’s my future step-son.

(Icky. I wish there was a better way to say that. “Step-son” has such harsh connotations.)

While this would seem intimidating to a lot of people, I’ve never really thought too much about it. I keep getting questions like “How does it feel knowing you’re going to be a wife and a mom?”

I guess I should feel some fear of the responsibilities I am going to be taking on, the consequences my actions will have for all of us, but I’m not.

I grew up playing Mom. When you have six younger siblings and you start unofficially babysitting at 11 you don’t think too much about little things like being a step-mom.

Plus, I always enjoy when we have Michael. Its my time with my boys. Sometimes Michael is like a son: When we do family activities, clean house, limit video games and read scriptures but there are times where Michael is like a brother. We love pulling pranks on Brandon and last weekend Michael and I went rollerblading and made homemade swords--my recipe.

In the end, its kinda funny, Michael actually asks me for permission to do things, not Brandon.

I can't stop dropping the F-Word

Fiance. I only get to enjoy having one of these and being one of these for a couple of months. Since January, Brandon has been teasing me about proposing. The jokes were becoming relentless--and often disgusting. He loved making potty jokes with his son, Michael, about proposing to me.

I was starting to get frustrated with all the jokes. In all honesty, I was ready to get this wedding crap started.

Monday was a gorgeous day but Tuesday was ugly, Tuesday is also my day off from school. So, Brandon decided to spend the day with me. I kept asking if he wanted to go work and he kept declining, while making excuses about the weather and needing a day off.

Well, we goofed off most of the day. We actually scored a super sweet vacuum at D.I. for ten dollars.

I thought that would be the highlight of my day, but it wasn't.

We were sitting in his living room that night and he decided to start teasing to me, again. Brandon told me to close my eyes and stick out my hand.

I told him, frankly, that I didn't want to, that I was tired of the teasing. He told me to do it anyway. So I did. Well, the butt started licking my finger and I open my eyes to tell him he's crazy, but all he says is to close them.

Then he just pops the ring on my finger. He told me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. And then a few seconds later he got on his knees and did it officially.

Anyway, I just thought I should tell our little story, mostly for memories sake.

I am very excited to spend the rest of my life and hopefully someday the all of eternity with Brandon Felsted.

Oh and I'm also excited to F

art with him for the rest of my life.

Get your mind out of the gutter.