Sometimes I wish I could kill the perfectionist.

I have this need for perfection, something in me demands perfection. I know everyone has expectation for themselves but I DEMAND perfection. I'm never quite fully satisfied.

I wouldn't say I wasn't happy. I think its great that I never settle for life, never settle where I stand at that moment. I don't stand still, I keep pushing and pushing myself to new limits.

I want to be perfect in my job. At first I just wanted to impress my bosses. I didn't want to get in trouble. I wanted to survive. Now, I feel this need to compete, to make the newspaper something better than when I left it. Deseret News is in for a trip if they continue to keep me employed. I feel this need to be an unstoppable force. I do my job as web editor but I also write. I try to write about breaking news, breaking issues and drive hits to our site. I am determined to not be a detriment to my job, an intern. I am determined to be a valued employee.

I push for perfection in school. Towards the end I used to discuss my grades with my teachers. But it wasn't just about my grades, it was my performance. I was determined to stand out above the rest. While I could've tried harder, I couldn't have tried much harder.

And my age through out my whole college experience was always younger than most people. I was an editor at 18. My whole staff was older than me. I've always been the youngest. Because of this I feel the need to show that I am just as good as those who are years older than me. I finished college at twenty, I was accepted into graduate school at twenty and I will be teaching at twenty.

And when it comes to age, I've always dated older men. I've dated men who seemed to be achievers in life. I tried dating those without goals, without potential and it never seemed to work. Even now, I am dating a man more than ten years older than me. And I feel that he is one of the best men out there, I don't know how I can do much better. Again, I seek perfection in every way.

And even though I have a committed relationship, I still feel the need to maintain other relationships. My friends are essential to me. I try to maintain my friendships, I try to treat my friends as I best I can. I feel that there is always room for people in my life, there is always room to serve.

And I am always serving or feeling wrong when I'm not. I work forty hours a week, I date but I also have down time since I work nights a lot. And so, I try to spend my time volunteering. I can't just sit home and play around all the time. I begin to feel unsettled. The perfectionist in me demands that I do more.

My figure. I am never satisfied. Theres always one more pound to lose. I've lost the weight and now I have to tone it. If its not one things, then its another.

I always need to do more. My greatest flaw is church. I'm not consistent. It irks me. I want to be a legit follower. I want Christ to know that I am giving my all to him. So, I will. I will make this my main focus from now on. The END.

Everyone is beautiful to me, except me.

I've always known my weight. I've always cared about my weight. Is it healthy? I'm not so sure.

I look at other girls. I think, "I'm thinner" or "I wish I was thinner." I'm obsessed with the delicate, the tiny, the 18-inch waste, the Barbie doll figure.

I realize that I'm not necessarily "fat" but I'm not necessarily where I want to be. I recently realized that I had reached the unreachable goal weight and I recently realized that I've maintained the unreachable goal weight.

Did I celebrate? Was I satisfied? No, I set a new goal weight.

Look at my pictures. I'm not fat. I've been stepping on a scale since I was seven. I'm not talking about doctors' visits either. I know how much I weighed in third grade, 73 pounds. I know how much I weighed in sixth grade, 100 pounds. I know how much I weighed my senior year of high school, 145 pounds. I know how much I weighed my senior year of college, 140 pounds. I know how much I weight now, 135.


At 5'8" I am currently 135. My goal weight now is 130 and my unreasonable goal weight is 125.

I don't know how much longer I will play this game. I guess I will play till I look thin in my pictures, till I feel un-jiggly, till all those men regret thinking I wasn't good enough. But I'm not so sure that is possible.

With bigger bosoms and chubby upper arms, I have a hard time looking thin in my pictures--looking thin at all. I'm built to be bigger.

The shallow side of me wants to rub my figure in the faces of those who dumped me. Another side of me just wants to set a personal goal, to feel secure at the beach.

And so, I keep telling myself that I'm fat. I keep struggling. But why? I don't understand this aggressive need I have to be the owner of an ideal body.
I complain that I'm fat and friends grow angry, friends that are slightly heavier than me, family members that are slightly heavier than me. I never look at them and think they're fat, think they're unattractive. So, why do I look in the mirror and feel unsatisfied?

Everyone is beautiful to me, except me. I guess we are our worst critics.

Flying or falling?

Your heart races, you know there's a decision to be made: Make up or break up.

Do I dump this guy? What happens if I dump this guy? Will anyone be as great as this guy?

The latter has never been a question in my mind. I mean it has been, in regards to looks but nothing more. For me, it's always been break up.

I dump the guy. I move on. I find a better guy. But lately, I haven't wanted to break up. I can't think of anyone who has meshed better with me, made me happier.

Lately, it's been make up. And now, what do I do? Do I continue to make concessions or do I quit?

I could be in a hole. It could be a hole, a hole whose wholeness has not begun to crumble yet. It could be a hole that I am steadily digging into, deeper and deeper.

At the moment, I can't tell if I'm flying or falling.

I never thought this decision would be put before me. I never thought I'd have to make this decision.

I am pulled in so many directions. I must seek a greater power than my own; a power that will lead me where I need to go.

Working woman

I'm going to talk about me for a few minutes. You want a versatile girl? A versatile employee? Look to me. I've got experience doing a lot of things. One time I made $30 packing insulation in an attic for a couple hours and thats only the start; actually, its the middle.

I started working at 12. I babysat. When I say babysat, I really mean babysat. The people I first started working for used to drive 45 minutes to pick me up. I'd spend the night. I was in charge of four kids. One was only a few months old. Did I manage? Yes. I did that for four years.

During that time I also refereed soccer. This job only lasted a year. I hated it. You ever have the coach of 5-year-old soccer team yell at you? Lame.

And so I moved on to greener pastures. I volunteered at the library every summer for three years. I was a little library obsessed for few years. I get a thrill going to the library. I'm a nerd, its true. I volunteered at a hospital for one year too. I was a "Candy Striper" but I didn't sell candy. I mostly stocked things, made sure patients had water.

I started college at 17-years-old. I came home that first summer and I worked at a Gynecology office, right outside of D.C. It was an experience I will never forget, never. I've seen something . . . I've heard some things that I don't care to repeat. I think my favorite part was entering labs into the computer.

I answered a lot of nasty phone calls, filed a lot of charts and sometimes I typed up official documents for the doctor. During that time I also worked in the marketing department at a concrete company, Chaney Enterprises. They spoiled me there. Took me out to lunch, celebrated my birthday, entrusted projects to me.

I took a lot of photos and designed a few things too. They rehired me a few months later for a few week to make some training videos for their company too.

After all this I started officially working at my school newspaper. I had just been writing but not I was making the 'big bucks'. I worked there every semester for the next 6 semesters, until I graduated. I worked my way up to the top and tried my best to revolutionize the newspaper. I had a lot of laughs, a lot of good times. I learned to be a leader. I learned to run a newspaper. I also had the opportunity to run a couple magazines too. It was a fun, learning experience.

One summer, while working at the gynecology office, I also wrote part-time for a local newspaper in Maryland. I covered local events, fun things. It was an enjoyable, relaxed and interesting experience.

I graduated at the age of 20. I immediately started interning at Deseret News in Utah. I've been there for 6 months now. They are considering keeping me a part time employee for the summer and maybe longer, while I attend graduate school. Yes, I am going to graduate school at BYU. I will be there for a couple years and they're also paying me to be an employee for them, while I am getting my masters.

So, if things work out accordingly I will be working two jobs and going to graduate school. For this summer I will be working part time at Deseret News and when I am not there I hope to be doing some construction work with my boyfriend to make a little more money.

Thats my story. I'm an experience woman, a woman thats not even 21 yet. So, give me some credit, fools.

Romantic Swill

Think about this: Naked men doing jumping jacks.
Now think about this: HOT naked men doing jumping jacks.
Is there a difference? Yes. What's my point? I don't have one. I was simply trying to get you to read my blog. Yep, it was a cheap shot but that’s what I do.

Are you reading the pics I posted above, on this blog? Yes, this is what I want to address. I'm not just talking to newly married couples, or new couples in general. I'm talking to people who are just WAY too aggressive in expressing love for their significant other on Facebook.

I think its fine, actually sweet when there is an occasional post on how much a person loves their lover BUT when its everyday--like the one's I've posted here, all from the same person (I might add that I blocked this person's posts and I might add that it’s a MAN, which is totally not macho)--I get a little annoyed.

I think its rude. Almost like rubbing it in the face of all the people who do not have a special person in their life. And if you think I am writing this out of resentment, you can suck an elf, because I have a significant other and I don't feel the need to constantly post crap about how much we love each other.

So, keep your mushy nonsense to yourself. All it says to me, is that you don't have a life. Post something interesting. Something relevant. I don't want to read your romantic swill and I'm sure no one else does either.

THE RANT

Updating the blog . . . whaaaaaaaaat? Yeah dats right gee. Ok, listening to rap right now, its really making my writing . . . yeah.

So, life changes. Yes, there are many of them--lots and lots of them. In case you haven't caught on, this is a "my life" post. So, if you don't care about my life, then stop reading.

But, how could you? You should care about my life! I may be staying in Utah for the summer but I also may return to Maryland.

This means many things for me and for you too. If I stay in Utah then you will continue to have access to my breaking news stories on the Deseret News site. But, if they decide that they don't want my cheap labor, then I shall return home.

What will I do there? Nothing really. It's hard to find a job when you start graduate school in a matter of months. Oh and by the way, they'll be paying me at BYU to teach. They want me there. They want me sooooooo much that they are paying me more than my current job is.

But that isn't my problem. I need an income until then. I just don't know where to find one if this one doesn't pan out. Its not like they'll be paying me much. Not only will I be paid minimum wage but they're also only keeping me part time.

And so, the story continues. If I stay here, then I will continue to date my boyfriend, be with my boyfriend, SEE my boyfriend who I love very, very much.

If they don't keep me on then I will be forced away from him and things will probably fade out. I don't know if this is a good thing. Guess fate will tell me in a few days.

Also, statistically speaking, Deseret News would probably be wise to keep me on because I bring in A LOT of their hits. I rank 18 on their list of 120 writers and I write a lot less than the people listed above me. This means that I write stories that bring Deseret News many hits.

The crazy thing is that I have the potential to bring in many more hits and I am planning to do such.

Well, that is my rant. The End.

Psychology Today post that claims black women are less attractive stirs controversy

Who does a study on this? Click here.