Sometimes I wish I could kill the perfectionist.

I have this need for perfection, something in me demands perfection. I know everyone has expectation for themselves but I DEMAND perfection. I'm never quite fully satisfied.

I wouldn't say I wasn't happy. I think its great that I never settle for life, never settle where I stand at that moment. I don't stand still, I keep pushing and pushing myself to new limits.

I want to be perfect in my job. At first I just wanted to impress my bosses. I didn't want to get in trouble. I wanted to survive. Now, I feel this need to compete, to make the newspaper something better than when I left it. Deseret News is in for a trip if they continue to keep me employed. I feel this need to be an unstoppable force. I do my job as web editor but I also write. I try to write about breaking news, breaking issues and drive hits to our site. I am determined to not be a detriment to my job, an intern. I am determined to be a valued employee.

I push for perfection in school. Towards the end I used to discuss my grades with my teachers. But it wasn't just about my grades, it was my performance. I was determined to stand out above the rest. While I could've tried harder, I couldn't have tried much harder.

And my age through out my whole college experience was always younger than most people. I was an editor at 18. My whole staff was older than me. I've always been the youngest. Because of this I feel the need to show that I am just as good as those who are years older than me. I finished college at twenty, I was accepted into graduate school at twenty and I will be teaching at twenty.

And when it comes to age, I've always dated older men. I've dated men who seemed to be achievers in life. I tried dating those without goals, without potential and it never seemed to work. Even now, I am dating a man more than ten years older than me. And I feel that he is one of the best men out there, I don't know how I can do much better. Again, I seek perfection in every way.

And even though I have a committed relationship, I still feel the need to maintain other relationships. My friends are essential to me. I try to maintain my friendships, I try to treat my friends as I best I can. I feel that there is always room for people in my life, there is always room to serve.

And I am always serving or feeling wrong when I'm not. I work forty hours a week, I date but I also have down time since I work nights a lot. And so, I try to spend my time volunteering. I can't just sit home and play around all the time. I begin to feel unsettled. The perfectionist in me demands that I do more.

My figure. I am never satisfied. Theres always one more pound to lose. I've lost the weight and now I have to tone it. If its not one things, then its another.

I always need to do more. My greatest flaw is church. I'm not consistent. It irks me. I want to be a legit follower. I want Christ to know that I am giving my all to him. So, I will. I will make this my main focus from now on. The END.