I can't hang out or go on a date with a single man wihtout them always thinking I am interested in them--when I say interested I mean that they think I'm interested in jumping their bones (Mormon style of course).
I asked him on a date. So what? He asked me on a date. So what? I don't want to seriously date you , marry you, birth your children and clean your house. I was just looking for some fun. If I wanted to date you then I would tell you.
Men think women are bad. Just so you know [men] we don't start looking at rings after you take us on the first date. I don't even think about a second date, most of the time. But apparently men always think we are just soooo into them.
I like to joke and flirt but that doesn't mean that I want commitment. I joke and flirt with a lot of men. Does that mean I plan to date and marry all of them? I don't think so. I'm not planning to practice polygamy the polyandry way.
I've been out with so many guys. I'm a professional at showing that I'm not interested and I'm also a professional at telling a man when I want to be more than just friends.
I guess I should clarify. Maybe men get confused because I ask men out on dates all the time. I have no shame and no regret about. Most of the time I ask because they're A) you’re really hot (you'll know this is you if I take a photo of us together--there has to be proof.
B) Dating is fun and I want to establish a real friendship
C) I'm bored and you're an excuse to go eat food
D) I'm bored and I want an excuse to watch a movie
E) I'm bored and you have promise of being entertaining
I'm also starting a tally; I want to see how many dates I can go on before my college career ends --yes, I am that shallow.
Don't let my flirtatious words or actions mislead you. I just want to be friends. If you're worried that I am looking for more then ask me. Share your concerns and I will give your male ego a beating and tell you that I'm just not that into you.
Wanna go on a date?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Creepers and gentlemen
Creepers. We accuse the men we don’t like of being creepers. Why — because they ask for our number, they ask us on dates, they add us on Facebook, they add our friends on Facebook or they stalk us through the BYU-Idaho website? Or is it because they show up at your classes, apartment or hang out spots, even though you never told them where you live or what classes you’re taking?
There’s a difference between a creeper and someone you’re just not interested in. Know the signs and spread the word when it’s necessary if they are a creeper but don’t when they’re not and you just feel guilty because you can’t stand their face.
I’ve had men be interested in me — I’m shocked too but it has happened to me — and I couldn’t make myself like them. But I don’t lead them on. Men are really good at catching the fact that I’m “just not that into you [interested man’s name goes here].” But there are a lot of other girls who don’t give men those subtle clues. Saying yes to a third date, playfully hitting them, laughing at their dumb jokes and flirting are some of the ways men are deceived by our actions.
Don’t lead men on. If you’re not interested then make it apparent. They’re not a creeper because your actions lead them to believe that you are “that into them” and they keep asking you out.
They ask for our number, they stalk us on Facebook and they find us on the BYU-I website because they are interested. Something about you sparked their interest. The smartest way to ask a girl out is in person or at least calling her but some guys are just shy. They’re not creepers; they’re just interested and it’s just too bad you’re not.
Admit that if a savvy, hot, rich man did these things then you would love it and they wouldn’t be a creeper; they’d be a lover and possible father for your child. Heck, I don’t like to get asked out by a guy that I’m not interested in but I don’t call them a creeper. I would never call a bodacious babe a creeper when they stalked me on the BYU-I website, added me on Facebook, got my number and asked me on a date.
Now my second point: sometimes they are a creeper. Sometimes their interest becomes too intense especially when you have given all the hints that you aren’t interested. Sit them down—do it where you can yell and help will come—and verbally tell them that their “attentions” aren’t flattering but instead scary.
There’s a difference between a creeper and someone you’re just not interested in. Know the signs and spread the word when it’s necessary if they are a creeper but don’t when they’re not and you just feel guilty because you can’t stand their face.
I’ve had men be interested in me — I’m shocked too but it has happened to me — and I couldn’t make myself like them. But I don’t lead them on. Men are really good at catching the fact that I’m “just not that into you [interested man’s name goes here].” But there are a lot of other girls who don’t give men those subtle clues. Saying yes to a third date, playfully hitting them, laughing at their dumb jokes and flirting are some of the ways men are deceived by our actions.
Don’t lead men on. If you’re not interested then make it apparent. They’re not a creeper because your actions lead them to believe that you are “that into them” and they keep asking you out.
They ask for our number, they stalk us on Facebook and they find us on the BYU-I website because they are interested. Something about you sparked their interest. The smartest way to ask a girl out is in person or at least calling her but some guys are just shy. They’re not creepers; they’re just interested and it’s just too bad you’re not.
Admit that if a savvy, hot, rich man did these things then you would love it and they wouldn’t be a creeper; they’d be a lover and possible father for your child. Heck, I don’t like to get asked out by a guy that I’m not interested in but I don’t call them a creeper. I would never call a bodacious babe a creeper when they stalked me on the BYU-I website, added me on Facebook, got my number and asked me on a date.
Now my second point: sometimes they are a creeper. Sometimes their interest becomes too intense especially when you have given all the hints that you aren’t interested. Sit them down—do it where you can yell and help will come—and verbally tell them that their “attentions” aren’t flattering but instead scary.
I confess; I want "it"
Nobody wants me. Who wants you? We work so hard to be wanted. I work so hard to be wanted. But it seems that no matter how hard I try to chase away my feelings and my interests I can't.
I've been here so long. I've dated (I'm surprised too). I've dumped and I've been dumped. I've grown so accustomed to not being wanted. I've grown so accustomed to putting up a front, so that it doesn't seem that I don't care when I'm not wanted. When I am wanted then I get scared. It hurts more to be dumped by someone who did want you then by someone who never really did.
Sometimes I don't even care or maybe I just distract myself with other things to avoid the fact that I do care and that it does hurt. While this satisfies a temporary need, in the long run all it will leave me with is an empty apartment, twenty cats, 60 hour work weeks with my roller blades, my writing and piano as my company. It will leave me always being the aunt, always being the babysitter and never being the mother. It will leave me as the friend, as the confidant, as the coworker, but never the eternal companion.
While I scoff at those getting married at a young age; I still want it. Sometimes I scoff because it really is ridiculous as to why they are getting married but others times I scoff because I want what they have.
Of course I wouldn't readily jump on the first man to ask as I would have when I started here 3 years ago, but I still want it(I'm going to keep referring to the word marriage or love as "it" because. . .I can). But maybe I shouldn't want. Maybe I should wait for "it" to find me. Because by wanting "it", then my judgment becomes impaired and I have this fear that I would go into "it" for the wrong reasons.
Some people get married because they can't stand to be alone with themselves. They get married because they want someone there that they can baby and fix and use it as an excuse to not take care of themselves. Then again, marriage comes down to caring more about the other person and their feelings rather than your own.
Ughhhhhh! All of it seemed so simple once. You meet a guy; you fall in love; you get married; you work and have some babies and then you retire and he buys you nice things and you bake him good food. Eaaassssyyyy. NOT. At BYU-Idaho --knowing that marriage is eternal-- it's not that easy and being a philosopher and someone who likes to interpret the intricacies of human behavior (even though I claim not to. It's mostly just a hobby)it just makes the idea of "it" all the more difficult.
I'm not complicated. I'm pretty easy to figure out. What makes things complicated is that I make the person I am dating complicated. I wish to be oblivious again. I try and act like the inconsistencies of the men I date and their hurtful words don't hurt. I find things to distract me from the thoughts, from the hurt but they always come back to haunt me. It would be so easy but I can't be oblivious, I can't be desensitized, I can't be numb and I can't be heartless but I sure do a great job of pretending. I had you fooled.
I've been here so long. I've dated (I'm surprised too). I've dumped and I've been dumped. I've grown so accustomed to not being wanted. I've grown so accustomed to putting up a front, so that it doesn't seem that I don't care when I'm not wanted. When I am wanted then I get scared. It hurts more to be dumped by someone who did want you then by someone who never really did.
Sometimes I don't even care or maybe I just distract myself with other things to avoid the fact that I do care and that it does hurt. While this satisfies a temporary need, in the long run all it will leave me with is an empty apartment, twenty cats, 60 hour work weeks with my roller blades, my writing and piano as my company. It will leave me always being the aunt, always being the babysitter and never being the mother. It will leave me as the friend, as the confidant, as the coworker, but never the eternal companion.
While I scoff at those getting married at a young age; I still want it. Sometimes I scoff because it really is ridiculous as to why they are getting married but others times I scoff because I want what they have.
Of course I wouldn't readily jump on the first man to ask as I would have when I started here 3 years ago, but I still want it(I'm going to keep referring to the word marriage or love as "it" because. . .I can). But maybe I shouldn't want. Maybe I should wait for "it" to find me. Because by wanting "it", then my judgment becomes impaired and I have this fear that I would go into "it" for the wrong reasons.
Some people get married because they can't stand to be alone with themselves. They get married because they want someone there that they can baby and fix and use it as an excuse to not take care of themselves. Then again, marriage comes down to caring more about the other person and their feelings rather than your own.
Ughhhhhh! All of it seemed so simple once. You meet a guy; you fall in love; you get married; you work and have some babies and then you retire and he buys you nice things and you bake him good food. Eaaassssyyyy. NOT. At BYU-Idaho --knowing that marriage is eternal-- it's not that easy and being a philosopher and someone who likes to interpret the intricacies of human behavior (even though I claim not to. It's mostly just a hobby)it just makes the idea of "it" all the more difficult.
I'm not complicated. I'm pretty easy to figure out. What makes things complicated is that I make the person I am dating complicated. I wish to be oblivious again. I try and act like the inconsistencies of the men I date and their hurtful words don't hurt. I find things to distract me from the thoughts, from the hurt but they always come back to haunt me. It would be so easy but I can't be oblivious, I can't be desensitized, I can't be numb and I can't be heartless but I sure do a great job of pretending. I had you fooled.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
I never want to understand
Murder, rape, torture...these are words we see every day in the news. They are words spoken and seen in our schools, in the grocery store, in our home.
I can't understand the vulgarities of man and yet I am a part of it. I've hurt people, I've watched shows where other intentionally hurt other people, I've seen and participated in causing the mental agonies and agitations of others. Am I bothered by this? Yes.
I can't understand why we would intentionally hurt another being. I guess it starts drop by drop, drip by drip. What I once thought was bad is no longer so evil. Maybe I can't sympathize with killers. I can't sympathize with rationalization, yet the I practice rationalizing what I know is wrong all the time. What has my life come to when all the things I know are wrong I still practice because I can talk myself into them?What has my life come to when I can walk away from another hurting?
I ask for mercy and I give none myself. With each critical judgment I make; I become hardened; I become desensitized. My eyes have become adjusted to the horrors, my ears adjusted to the screams, my hands adjusted to the trigger and my heart adjusted to others hurt.
I don't want to be like this. I don't want to slowly become the critical, hurtful person. I don't want to become what the rest of the world is. I want to love others unconditionally. How do I escape from these things of the world? I can't just hide from the world. I would serve no purpose. Can I simply watch? No.
I won't let myself become desensitized. I won't watch as a brother, a friend, a stranger hurts and I simply observe or worse walk on by. I never want to understand or empathize with the cruel intentions of others. I would much rather live naive and judge without question, hope with faith, and love without condition.
I can't understand the vulgarities of man and yet I am a part of it. I've hurt people, I've watched shows where other intentionally hurt other people, I've seen and participated in causing the mental agonies and agitations of others. Am I bothered by this? Yes.
I can't understand why we would intentionally hurt another being. I guess it starts drop by drop, drip by drip. What I once thought was bad is no longer so evil. Maybe I can't sympathize with killers. I can't sympathize with rationalization, yet the I practice rationalizing what I know is wrong all the time. What has my life come to when all the things I know are wrong I still practice because I can talk myself into them?What has my life come to when I can walk away from another hurting?
I ask for mercy and I give none myself. With each critical judgment I make; I become hardened; I become desensitized. My eyes have become adjusted to the horrors, my ears adjusted to the screams, my hands adjusted to the trigger and my heart adjusted to others hurt.
I don't want to be like this. I don't want to slowly become the critical, hurtful person. I don't want to become what the rest of the world is. I want to love others unconditionally. How do I escape from these things of the world? I can't just hide from the world. I would serve no purpose. Can I simply watch? No.
I won't let myself become desensitized. I won't watch as a brother, a friend, a stranger hurts and I simply observe or worse walk on by. I never want to understand or empathize with the cruel intentions of others. I would much rather live naive and judge without question, hope with faith, and love without condition.
Life would be easier if I would learn to commit
I'm scared of commitment. I'll commit to my job, I'll commit to my class, I'll commit to God but ask me to commit to a man and I can't, I won't. I've become used to my routines, my way of life. If I want to leave then I leave. If I want to skate, if I want to leave town, if I want to go play piano, if I want to stay up late then I do it.
I've learned to like my independence too much. I learned to not want a man to make me who I am and now I just don't want one, unless I am extremely bored or I feel there is a competition to be won by getting them. It's not that I want a bad guy, it's not that I can't handle a good guy. I just don't want to give up my life.
It seems that men--whether subconscious or not--want a woman in the home. They want a woman to cook, to clean, to have their children. I want all of that but I also want me. I'm afraid that if I date someone, marry someone then they'll want me to give those things up.
I like my freedom. I have goals: Grad school, get a job, pay off my own debt, go to the city and live it up. I know I am being selfish. But I'm afraid that if I marry someone and give up my life then I won't be a good wife, be a good mother. I used to dream of prince charming. I used to want to be a romantic. I was the ultimate romantic. I had it beaten out of me. Life came at me with a hammer and nailed my feet to the floor. I no longer float, I'm nailed to the floor.
Commitment scares me and I have no idea. I run after non-committal men because I don't want to commit either. I run from nice, good looking guys who seem to have everything and want to give me everything. Someday I will hopefully stop running but not today and not tomorrow. I'll keep dating, keep hoping that my feelings will change. Maybe its just an off week but I can't commit.
I've learned to like my independence too much. I learned to not want a man to make me who I am and now I just don't want one, unless I am extremely bored or I feel there is a competition to be won by getting them. It's not that I want a bad guy, it's not that I can't handle a good guy. I just don't want to give up my life.
It seems that men--whether subconscious or not--want a woman in the home. They want a woman to cook, to clean, to have their children. I want all of that but I also want me. I'm afraid that if I date someone, marry someone then they'll want me to give those things up.
I like my freedom. I have goals: Grad school, get a job, pay off my own debt, go to the city and live it up. I know I am being selfish. But I'm afraid that if I marry someone and give up my life then I won't be a good wife, be a good mother. I used to dream of prince charming. I used to want to be a romantic. I was the ultimate romantic. I had it beaten out of me. Life came at me with a hammer and nailed my feet to the floor. I no longer float, I'm nailed to the floor.
Commitment scares me and I have no idea. I run after non-committal men because I don't want to commit either. I run from nice, good looking guys who seem to have everything and want to give me everything. Someday I will hopefully stop running but not today and not tomorrow. I'll keep dating, keep hoping that my feelings will change. Maybe its just an off week but I can't commit.
Friday, June 4, 2010
If you only knew
He kissed me once, asked me what I was thinking and all I could say way, "if you only knew." Typically this isn't what I say after a first kiss. It's not what I would say anytime after someone kissed me but the phrase, "if you only knew," haunts me with every turn I make.
It's not like I know a lot but...well...if you only knew. My friend got engaged to my ex and all I could think was, "if only you knew." If she only knew what a mean, angry person he was. If only people knew how I really felt. If only I knew how I really felt. The phrase, "if only you knew," plays a strong roll in the most painful parts of my life.
When I think of the think of the things I've lost, the things I've felt and the things I've seen and someone asks me why I'm upset. All I can say is, "if only you knew." If they only knew how I felt when I heard her moaning in the other car, when I saw my sister bleeding and crying. If they only knew how I felt while I sat in the ambulance. If they only knew how I felt when he died. If they only knew how I felt when I couldn't love him. No one knows how you feel, no one can tell you how you feel. We can guess, we can sympathize and maybe empathize a little.
When someone seems heartless, or they don't respond the way you would like to your emotions then try to tell them how you feel. We get so offended when others don't understand how we feel but how can they understand when they have never felt that way? "If you only knew," but you'll never know. Only God and you can know. Don't expect others to fully understand but give them a chance to try and grasp how you feel. If you only knew how I felt, let me try and tell you.
It's not like I know a lot but...well...if you only knew. My friend got engaged to my ex and all I could think was, "if only you knew." If she only knew what a mean, angry person he was. If only people knew how I really felt. If only I knew how I really felt. The phrase, "if only you knew," plays a strong roll in the most painful parts of my life.
When I think of the think of the things I've lost, the things I've felt and the things I've seen and someone asks me why I'm upset. All I can say is, "if only you knew." If they only knew how I felt when I heard her moaning in the other car, when I saw my sister bleeding and crying. If they only knew how I felt while I sat in the ambulance. If they only knew how I felt when he died. If they only knew how I felt when I couldn't love him. No one knows how you feel, no one can tell you how you feel. We can guess, we can sympathize and maybe empathize a little.
When someone seems heartless, or they don't respond the way you would like to your emotions then try to tell them how you feel. We get so offended when others don't understand how we feel but how can they understand when they have never felt that way? "If you only knew," but you'll never know. Only God and you can know. Don't expect others to fully understand but give them a chance to try and grasp how you feel. If you only knew how I felt, let me try and tell you.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Forgetting is divine
It's become apparent that when I want to forget someone or something then I can really forget them/it. I don't miss them, I don't remember them and I don't even think of them. Of course when I want to remember and miss someone I can. I only miss good people though. I only miss good people that need me to miss them and that I need to miss.
Sometimes I miss my family. They're amazing, why wouldn't I? I don't pine over them, I don't even cry over them but I still miss them. But when it comes to men I can wipe a six month relationship clean from my mind. It's such a blessing. I missed my missionary for a few weeks. He was a good guy and I'm really excited to see him again but our last summer we spent together...forgotten, unless I try and remember it.
Six months with a non-committal, mentally abusive jerk and I was upset for only a couple days. Prayers, amazing friends, family and better men made me feel better. I want to forget something from my past and I can. Sometimes it's a pain because I never remember some of the things that I want to but in truth I'd rather have it this way then remember all the crap I've been dragged through. I'm happy to block out the painful and look toward the future.
Sometimes I miss my family. They're amazing, why wouldn't I? I don't pine over them, I don't even cry over them but I still miss them. But when it comes to men I can wipe a six month relationship clean from my mind. It's such a blessing. I missed my missionary for a few weeks. He was a good guy and I'm really excited to see him again but our last summer we spent together...forgotten, unless I try and remember it.
Six months with a non-committal, mentally abusive jerk and I was upset for only a couple days. Prayers, amazing friends, family and better men made me feel better. I want to forget something from my past and I can. Sometimes it's a pain because I never remember some of the things that I want to but in truth I'd rather have it this way then remember all the crap I've been dragged through. I'm happy to block out the painful and look toward the future.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)