I confess; I want "it"

Nobody wants me. Who wants you? We work so hard to be wanted. I work so hard to be wanted. But it seems that no matter how hard I try to chase away my feelings and my interests I can't.

I've been here so long. I've dated (I'm surprised too). I've dumped and I've been dumped. I've grown so accustomed to not being wanted. I've grown so accustomed to putting up a front, so that it doesn't seem that I don't care when I'm not wanted. When I am wanted then I get scared. It hurts more to be dumped by someone who did want you then by someone who never really did.

Sometimes I don't even care or maybe I just distract myself with other things to avoid the fact that I do care and that it does hurt. While this satisfies a temporary need, in the long run all it will leave me with is an empty apartment, twenty cats, 60 hour work weeks with my roller blades, my writing and piano as my company. It will leave me always being the aunt, always being the babysitter and never being the mother. It will leave me as the friend, as the confidant, as the coworker, but never the eternal companion.

While I scoff at those getting married at a young age; I still want it. Sometimes I scoff because it really is ridiculous as to why they are getting married but others times I scoff because I want what they have.

Of course I wouldn't readily jump on the first man to ask as I would have when I started here 3 years ago, but I still want it(I'm going to keep referring to the word marriage or love as "it" because. . .I can). But maybe I shouldn't want. Maybe I should wait for "it" to find me. Because by wanting "it", then my judgment becomes impaired and I have this fear that I would go into "it" for the wrong reasons.

Some people get married because they can't stand to be alone with themselves. They get married because they want someone there that they can baby and fix and use it as an excuse to not take care of themselves. Then again, marriage comes down to caring more about the other person and their feelings rather than your own.

Ughhhhhh! All of it seemed so simple once. You meet a guy; you fall in love; you get married; you work and have some babies and then you retire and he buys you nice things and you bake him good food. Eaaassssyyyy. NOT. At BYU-Idaho --knowing that marriage is eternal-- it's not that easy and being a philosopher and someone who likes to interpret the intricacies of human behavior (even though I claim not to. It's mostly just a hobby)it just makes the idea of "it" all the more difficult.

I'm not complicated. I'm pretty easy to figure out. What makes things complicated is that I make the person I am dating complicated. I wish to be oblivious again. I try and act like the inconsistencies of the men I date and their hurtful words don't hurt. I find things to distract me from the thoughts, from the hurt but they always come back to haunt me. It would be so easy but I can't be oblivious, I can't be desensitized, I can't be numb and I can't be heartless but I sure do a great job of pretending. I had you fooled.