I'm scared of commitment. I'll commit to my job, I'll commit to my class, I'll commit to God but ask me to commit to a man and I can't, I won't. I've become used to my routines, my way of life. If I want to leave then I leave. If I want to skate, if I want to leave town, if I want to go play piano, if I want to stay up late then I do it.
I've learned to like my independence too much. I learned to not want a man to make me who I am and now I just don't want one, unless I am extremely bored or I feel there is a competition to be won by getting them. It's not that I want a bad guy, it's not that I can't handle a good guy. I just don't want to give up my life.
It seems that men--whether subconscious or not--want a woman in the home. They want a woman to cook, to clean, to have their children. I want all of that but I also want me. I'm afraid that if I date someone, marry someone then they'll want me to give those things up.
I like my freedom. I have goals: Grad school, get a job, pay off my own debt, go to the city and live it up. I know I am being selfish. But I'm afraid that if I marry someone and give up my life then I won't be a good wife, be a good mother. I used to dream of prince charming. I used to want to be a romantic. I was the ultimate romantic. I had it beaten out of me. Life came at me with a hammer and nailed my feet to the floor. I no longer float, I'm nailed to the floor.
Commitment scares me and I have no idea. I run after non-committal men because I don't want to commit either. I run from nice, good looking guys who seem to have everything and want to give me everything. Someday I will hopefully stop running but not today and not tomorrow. I'll keep dating, keep hoping that my feelings will change. Maybe its just an off week but I can't commit.
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