Let your lips be lonely till its right.

As women we're not completely secure in ourselves. Look at her, look at me. Look at what I'm lacking. I'm so lacking. I'm not good enough. Nobody wants me. I'm not beautiful. I'm not smart. And so I'll take what I can get.

And so we often do. There are so many that know better, that fight better but then there's the rest of us that give in too easily. I would know. I'm one of them. I thought I was ugly, undesirable. Then one night, two years ago, someone held me, told me they liked me, really liked me.

Then we cuddled, then we kissed, then we made out and then . . .well it ended but not before things went further than they should have. I then I spent two years slowly giving in more and more to the wrong men, to selfish men. I began looking for love in the form of lust.

I blame only myself, my mistakes were my own mistakes but there are some choice words of wisdom that I would like to share. Don't screw around.

It's exciting, its thrilling but remember who you are, know your limits. I forgot who I was and I now find myself trying to get the old Kaitlin back. I miss the romantic Kaitlin who wanted to love for the right reasons, not the wrong.

I remember I kept finding ways to justify my actions. First, things didn't go too far. Second, other girls do those things too and they say its ok. Third, its ok to lust a little. Fourth, everyone screws up. Fifth, things are different for our generation, its ok to take things further. Sixth, those things are nice, they're pleasing, they make me feel desirable; when will someone ever appreciate my body again?

Oh, its sooooo temporarily nice. It feels great in the moment. But with everything thats naughtily nice there are consequences. A candy bar tastes great but you keep eating candy bars and you'll start getting fat, you'll get sick, you'll get addicted. And just as I love candy bars, I also love cuddling, kissing, making out. . .and the list begins to expand, to unwind until you find yourself so unwound that you're loose, you're immoral, you're not you anymore, you're a whore.

Its like drugs; its like cocaine, the gateway drug. Maybe you have just one kiss and its ok but soon that turns into making out and then some clothes come off and then the next thing you know you're crying to your bishop because you've gone too far.

Don't justify it. I'm telling you now, its not worth it. I hate that I've become this way. I've become blinded to the nice guys that want me because all I ever seem crave in relationships is the physical. I don't want the right things and its going to be hard learning to want those right things again. I will probably always struggle with this in my future relationships.

Listen to that little voice, that voice of reason. I wish I had been one of those girls that walked away. I always thought about it but I let their guilt trips hold me there. I let their desire for my body hold me there. I let my "natural man" desires hold me there. And now I'm stuck fighting tooth and nail to stay out of there, out of that dark, dirty place. Its not easy.

It's funny that Avril Lavigne was one of the people that spoke to me most. I was driving one night and her song came on the radio. The last lyrics in the song go,

"This guilt trip that you put me on won't mess me up I've done no wrong

Any thoughts of you and me have gone away."

They'll put you on a guilt trip, they'll do anything to get in your pants, to bend some rules. You'll want to comply. They'll promise a relationship, they'll promise nights of pleasure. They'll call you a prude, they'll cajole you, they'll keep twisting your hand until you finally give in.

Get out of that grip they have on you. Walk away, don't let yourself want them anymore because all they want you for is a 'good time'. Remember that men have less emotion, less attachment than women. They'll mess with anyone(ugly, fat, you name it) when they're in the mood. In the end they'll walk away as if nothing has happened but you won't. I've seen it time and time again. They'll leave you wanting them, wanting the wrong things, feeling cheap and feeling dirty. And are they really worth it? Is one night really worth it?

They know whats right and yet they're still breaking the rules. Why? Because they're weak. They're disrespecting you. Why? Because they're jerks.

Take my warnings. I know what I'm talking about. It sucks. Enjoy knowing that you walked away. Enjoy your lonely nights, enjoy your lonely lips, your lonely arms, enjoy your lonely bed. Someday all those things will be filled and filled with the right things.