There is so much I could say about this weekend. A lot of hurt. "My man" showed up Friday morning. He was great for about ten minutes and then that greatness came to an abrupt stop.I found myself crying Friday night, in the park, by myself. I didn't need a lot of communication, a lot of hints to notice he'd pulled away. All the plans, the hopes I had for that weekend seemed to end. But while those ended, a lot of the insecurities and all the unknowing melted away. He made it easy to walk away.
But I felt as I had felt just a year ago. I used to walk in the cold, in the park, by myself and tear up. I was in love with a man that didn't love me back then. Of course he was just "first love" lameness but those always seem to sting the most, probably because they're the most embarrassing.
I never trusted this last one; I actually expected what was coming; he's done this to me plenty of times before. I guess, in the long run, I'm just thankful I never fell for him. I was always dating other guys while talking to him. Towards the end I felt torn. I just couldn't give him my all, and now I see it was for good reason. I would've dated a man with a lot of baggage. And while I was willing to accept that baggage as my own, maybe I am lucky I didn't. It would've been a heavy burden to shoulder.
At least I got to see the Briscoes and their cute kids! That weekend I realized that I missed the guy I'd left in Salt Lake City, the guy who treated me like a princess, the guy who was always giving, always wanted to make me happy.
I guess I have Matt to thank for helping to make me realize how much I missed my Salt Lake guy, Brandon. And while the relationship is still very confusing, and while I'm still struggling to understand if its right, I still feel its better than what flew to see me last week.
I think what upset me most was losing my scriptures. I'm highly upset about this. Those scriptures were amazing. I had so much highlighting and notes written in them. They will be highly missed.
And so, I could dwell on this creature, this confusing, selfish person that I pity more than anything else but instead I will think of happier things. I went on a picnic at the park a couple days ago, it was ideal. Made me smile :)
I feel like I talk about crying a lot more than I used to. Its still a new experience for me, I used to NEVER cry.
ReplyDeleteey, don't stop playing, your gonna miss these days one day, having all this attention is great, make it last as long as it can, and do yourself a favor and break up with a couple of them too, make while they're on one knee, your have the memories to reminisce about for years to come.
ReplyDeleteone day your look back on what your doing now to get through the mundane stuff that comes next.